Latent Restrictions
Part 1
By: AW
Date: November 2015
Length: 1683 words
Rating: M
Kathryn remembered. The EMH came storming into her ready room staring at her, daring her to refuse his statements. “You've been manipulating my program. Don't deny it.”
She sighed and stared at him. “I don't intend to.”
He looked at her disbelieving that the woman whom he had trusted - had given him his life - had betrayed his trust in her and had lied to him; killing his trust in organics. “But the alien ship; the intruder? Did that attack actually happen?”
“Yes. You were damaged during the incident.”
“Damaged? “
And then came the kicker. The sentence that struck her and cried out to the actions she had taken months before and haunted her still, and would for the rest of her life. She gave the only answer a Starfleet Captain could give. “It caused a conflict in your programming that couldn't be resolved.”
“What kind of conflict?”
Kathryn stood statue still staring at the Doctor. What kind of conflict indeed, He blamed himself for Ensign Jetal’s death as she did herself for every death that had happened on Voyager since they had been stranded in the Delta Quadrant. Ensign Jetal’s death was as much Kathryn’s fault as it was the Doctor’s.
She had had a conflict herself three months before. Everyone’s death since they had arrived in this god forsaken quadrant was her fault.
The only difference between her and the Doctor was that she could erase his problems; make them disappear.
Her not so much.
[THREE MONTHS EARLIER - CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS]
She had heard the chime and had watched as Chakotay walked into her quarters; looking determined; staring at her silhouette in the dark. He started right away knowing his place in the chain of command. “It's probably nothing. Just background theta radiation; but it could mean there's someone nearby”
She rubbed the bridge of her nose, not looking at the concerned man before her, ”Distance?”
Chakotay answered her dutifully, “Approximately twenty five light years.”
“It's a long shot, but alter course.”
“Yes, ma'am.”
Ma’am they had gotten to that point in their relationship that there was no longer the tried and true friendship that they had developed over the years - and the possibility of something more. The promise they had made to each other on ‘New Earth’ that had never been fulfilled. She loved him but the time had passed. “If that's all, Commander.”
Kathryn stared at him and knew there was something else that he was waiting to say. She stared at him and silently begged him not to say it - the words that she knew were on the tip of his tongue - and that she knew if they were said would change their relationship forever.
She knew that he had these feelings for her - and that he kept them hidden - but right now as she stared at him broken; and she partially having judgmental issues; and her mind full of blame and thoughts that should not be brought to the forefront as a Captain.
He finally got up the courage and asked the question. “Actually, I'd like to make a request. I've been saving up my holodeck rations and I've got three full hours coming. Any chance I might persuade you to join me for a few rounds of Velocity? It'll help clear your mind.”
Kathryn looked at him as if he had lost his mind. Clear her mind and exactly how was she supposed to do that.
Between the thoughts of her being responsible for stranding them in the Delta Quadrant and her thoughts of forever being a spinster in the Delta Quadrant - unable to have relationships with her crew, and letting her mind wander to the dalliance or two she had allowed herself to have with a passing alien - she was lost.
She was malfunctioning; not performing as any sane Captain should. “My mind is perfectly clear.”
And she heard him make yet another attempt to free her from her self-imposed isolation. “And what if I told you I'm not leaving until you join me?”
He wasn’t giving up, he wasn’t going to leave her alone; he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. “I'd say, have a seat, it'll be a while.”
He walked up to her and she could feel the heat coming off his body and at that moment all she could think about was his lips on hers.
She sighed and refused to look into his expressive dark orbs for fear of seeing what she knew was there; what had been there for the past three years.
“Kathryn –“
She raised her hand to him silently asking him to stop what was going to come out of his mouth, knowing she couldn’t face it at the moment.
He sighed drawing in a deep breath, “Kathryn we have to deal with this: the crew needs you.”
Deal with this? How could she deal with this? She had been suppressing her feeling for him for three years and he had not pushed her; he had not forced her hand; and at that moment she had to deal with it. She had to deal with the suppressed feelings and she had to deal with the Void. Five years of dealing with the Delta Quadrant and of dealing with loneliness was getting to her.
She finally brought her eyes up to look into his soul and the wall shattered. Before she knew it they were in her bed - not thinking about the consequences, not caring about the end result or what would happen tomorrow or the next day - all that mattered was here and now and the moment they were in.
The lovemaking was rough and primal there was no sign of the lovely man that she knew was beneath the rough Maquis exterior.
An hour later they lay spent and sated in the sweat covered sheets of her bed.
She stared at him, “What have we done?”
He looked into her, “What we have both been ‘wanting to do’ since ‘New Earth’ Kathryn.”
The moment shattered her resolve and she knew it was true. She had wanted this for what felt like forever.
“We can’t do this Chakotay we should never have.”
Kathryn looked at the confused ‘man’ in front of her. “I had no choice but to deny you access to your memories of those events.”
She stared at him knowing the next question that would come out of his mouth. “What kind of conflict?”
Kathryn bowed her head wishing that the conflicts that she had caused in her own life, the mistakes that she had made could be erased as easily as the conflict in her Doctor’s mind. “If I told you that, I might set the whole thing in motion again.”
The Doctor eyed her suspiciously, “This conflict in my programming.”
She jumped in attempting to stop things before they went too far. “Yes.”
The Doctor just about spat out, “That's not good enough.”
“It'll have to be.”
“Captain!”
She gathered up all her inner strength. “I've made a command decision for your own benefit and the welfare of this entire crew. I'm not willing to debate it.”
“How would you like it if Ioperated on you without your consent or without your knowledge?
“If the operation saved my life? I could live with it.” If only more things in her life were that easy; there was no easy answer to anything it seemed.
“I don't believe you. You'd feel as violated as I do right now.” She knew it was wrong; she knew that it was at least half her fault but in some ways she felt violated as well.
She had instigated, she had made the decision but at the same time, she felt violated. Violated that Chakotay had taken that extra step even though she had asked for it, and she felt violated that she was going to have to deal with the repercussions… in more ways than one.
She was the Captain she had no right to be sleeping with a member of her crew no matter how Starfleet would see it years from now.
She just about bit out, “Whether you believe me or not, is beside the point. A year and a half ago the only solution was to rewrite your program. I have to perform that same procedure now.”
“That isn't fair.” As were so many things in everyone’s life.
“You're malfunctioning, and you need to be repaired. Return to Sickbay, and wait for my orders.”
The Doctor left the briefing room and Kathryn bowed her head in shame. Did she have the right to deny him those memories? She needed to talk to Chakotay her crew would take care of the Doctor.
[Chakotay’s Quarters]
Chakotay heard the chime and really didn’t want to answer. There were times when he just did not agree with what Kathryn did or was doing and this was one of them.
If the Doctor was a flesh and blood crewman she would try to help them work through their problems. The fact that he was a hologram changed it in her eyes.
He sighed and went to the door. He opened it and saw the bane of his existence in some ways standing there looking shaken and afraid.
“Kathryn.”
She brought her eyes up and locked eyes with his. “May I come in?”
Chakotay nodded not a word said between the two of them and waited for the door to close.
She sighed and appeared as if she was going to say her piece.
Chakotay prompted her attempting to get it out of her.
“Chakotay something happened. Something I’m not proud of, but something that happened none-the-less. I can’t deal with it right now, the Doctor is in no shape to help me, but I need to get this off my chest and you deserve to know.”
Chakotay looked at her confused. “What happened Kathryn?”
She drew in a deep steadying breath. “I think I’m pregnant.”
To be Continued in part 2