Not So Good

Rating: T
Pairing: J/C
Summary: what happens when things are not so good and you finally have to move on?
Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom own the series and the characters that are related to Star Trek: Voyager, but the story is mine.
Length: 974 words
Date: November 1999

 

Kathryn sat on the bridge. Today would be the last day. Today would be the day of reckoning, for after four years of comfortable bliss, she would force them to face the truth, force them to end what she knew was nothing more than a smokescreen for something they were expected to do. For once in her life...Kathryn would not live up to what was 'expected' of her, but would instead do what was right for her and everyone involved.

When the Trayan ambassador had come on board, she had felt things she had not felt in years...and she knew what it was. He had left, and she knew that there was a reason this had happened. This was her awakening. After her shift, she proceeded to their quarters. The quarters they had shared for more than four years, the life they had shared for what felt like an eternity.

Chakotay had arrived in their quarter's only minutes after she had sat at the dining table. There had never been children created from this liaison, and she knew why. She had not let it happen. It had not been because of the ship, it had not been because of her duties: it had been because she had not let it happen, because deep down, she knew this was not a relationship into which children should be brought. And she now knew, despite everything that best friends did not necessarily make best lovers.

She saw him sit in the chair where she had once contemplated the doctor's existence, whether to punish Seven or to congratulate her, whether it was right to bring a child into the world, whether she should in the end marry her first officer.

In the end it had become his, and she didn't miss it. Her safe haven had become theirs, and though she didn't regret it, the time for comfortable and safe living was over. This was not the way life should be lived, life was dangerous, and without risking the safest things one could not receive the best rewards.

Despite her decision she felt the sorrow of something so beautiful ending, for when she ended the relationship, the marriage, she knew it was very possible that the friendship would follow, and despite everything this was one thing she did not want to lose.

Kathryn approached Chakotay, and sat on his lap. "Love, maybe we shouldn't have done this. Maybe we just did it because they thought we should." She kissed him, but for the first time in a long time there was no sexual tension, there was nothing beyond that of one friend to another. The sexual tension had been just that tension, nothing more, nothing less. They had tried it and they had failed. And she loathed to see the reactions of the crew at the annulled marriage of their two most senior officers. But she knew it was for the best.

"The sex was good, and we both needed a release, an outlet, but I mean long term, in the end...can you really picture being married to me forever?" She looked at him. "Can you really picture me being your one and only, the infidelity on both are parts is proof we shouldn't have."

She saw the tears threatening to slip down his cheeks. "I do love you, in a way you can only love a best friend. In the way, you don't love anyone else, but not in the way we're trying to force ourselves to love."

He knew deep in the recesses of his mind that she was right. He also knew that out here, choices were limited and for as long as they had lasted, it had been comfortable. That was about the best he could say. He knew that they should not be a couple...he knew in part, Starfleet rules were there for just this reason, and he knew he could never love her the way he had Kellin, or any of the other women he had had since Voyager. Kathryn was a pipe dream, one of those childish fantasies that should never be fulfilled, but with which they had both stepped over the line and forced it to become a reality.

Rarely was reality pleasant, and what had been a pleasant dream, had become hellish in reality for they were not in love, but rather in love with the romantic notion of being in love. "Kathryn, as long as we're friends, nothing can ever really keep us apart. We can just never be together in the way we have...."

Kathryn silenced him with a kiss. The last one, which would be shared 'like that'. This was an ending, and for the better. They made love that night for the last time they would as a couple. It was good, as it always had been, but it would never be great. It would never be what they both needed of a relationship like this.

"Thank you Kathryn, thank you for at least entertaining the notion. For trying for me."

"Chakotay, as hard as it is for you to believe, I would do almost anything for you. And I hope our friendship will not suffer because of this."

He looked once more around 'her' quarters. They would once more be the Captain's quarters. They annulled the marriage quietly, and as much as he hated to admit it, the only change in their relationship was they no longer shared a bed at night. And from time to time, when the need was there, they still did.

They would look back at these years later and realize that it was just a step in life, and a step in love. And he would forever thank her and be grateful to her, for trying and for realizing...some things were just never really meant to be.

THE END