Fallen Angel

by: AW

Pairing: J/P, J/C, C/T, P/T
Rating: MA
Genre: Adventure/Romance
Length: 23 800 words
Setting: Post Thirty Days (alternate universe)
Date: May 1999
After 'Thiry Days' there were some unanswered questions, and what is Janeway and Paris' real relationship?
Disclaimer: Voyager and all the characters belong to Paramount/Viacom, the story however...is mine.

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breath is your life
And sooner or later its over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything's feels like the moviest
Yeah you'd bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am The past, the future, they intertwine to form the present. Yesterday's decisions taken for granted until they come to pass and intersect with the here and the now. Today I look back on the choices I've made and the result of these choices. Were they right? Who's to say? Something that seemed so right then could now seem beyond absurd. Something that was wrong yesterday is only so considering the circumstances and the time of the event. Today I look back and in doing so look forward, for today I use the present to reconcile the now, the then and the tomorrow. *~*~*~*~* Captain's log, Stardate 57647.9: We continue to wait for a message from Mr. Paris telling us whether or not he has succeeded in procuring the ore we need to power the new warp engines B'Elanna has created. The improvisations she manages with her engines are incredible and every day I count my blessings at having her as my Chief Engineer. If Ensign Paris has not contacted us by 2200 hours we will proceed to the rendezvous co-ordinates in the hopes that he was indeed successful. Captain Janeway walked onto the bridge. She surveyed her territory, her life. She was anxious every time one of her crew was missing or in trouble in some way. She cared for each of them in their own way; She needed to in order to continue to do her job as Captain properly. She sat in her chair as she did every day. She slowly crossed her legs taking on her 'Captain's stance'. She turned to Chakotay, "Commander, have we heard anything from Tom yet?" "Chakotay turned her way grinning and showing Kathryn the dimples she had fallen in love with. "Well mom, no little Tommy hasn't come home yet. I'm afraid it's past his curfew. "Kathryn laughed at this. It was a sound that was foreign to much of the crew. "Alright Commander, no need to be cruel. I was just asking." Chakotay just grinned at this. Kathryn would make a good mother some day and that was just the topic he intended on bringing up over supper tonight. Neither of them was getting any younger and he desperately wanted to have children. And he wanted Kathryn to be the one to mother these children. The problem was, their relationship was still new to both of them and he was afraid that if he was too aggressive he would scare her off. Kathryn had finally given in to his attempts to make her his and now that she was, he couldn't even fathom a day when she wouldn't be. He checked the chronometer and realized that Alpha shift would be over soon. He was looking forward to tonight. He had planned a special dinner for her. Tonight was a night all of their hopes and dreams for the future would begin to fall into place. He only hoped that Kathryn would be able to put the Captain aside long enough for him to at least begin the discussion. *~*~*~*~* Kathryn sat at the table in the sitting room of her quarters. She had been in charge of dessert tonight. She had finally managed to get a replica of her mother's caramel brownies that was edible. It still wasn't mom's but it was as close as she was going to get. Now all she had to do was: sit and wait. Earlier today Chakotay had told her he had something very important to discuss with her, something that might change both of their lives forever. The problem was she couldn't get her mind off Tom Paris and the fact that he still hadn't checked in. She had grown to love and respect Tom in a way friends that had known each other for years did. She missed him dearly when his space at the helm was empty. Kathryn didn't feel for Tom the type of love she felt for Chakotay, although at one point she had been drawn to him in just that way. Kathryn remembered her days with Tom. They had been lovers. If she could say something to his credit their relationship had been intense, and the sex had been great. Their 'fling' was a secret they both held close to their hearts. Kathryn had needed someone to console her when they had been flung into the Delta Quadrant, someone to relieve her sexual needs. She had needed someone to be a conduit for repressed love and Tom had unwittingly volunteered for the task. She knew in her heart of hearts she had used him, and for that she was sorry...but she would not trade a day with Tom for anything in the world. Kathryn heard the doors to her cabin open, "Chakotay." Chakotay heard his love breathe his name. She said it with such passion, such love, and when he heard it he could deny her nothing. "Kathryn, I have your favorite meal programmed into the replicator tonight and it's coming off my rations." "Chakotay, you didn't have to..." "Shh Kathryn. I did this because I wanted to, not because I had to. Let me do this for you; tonight is going to be the beginning of something special." His lips approached hers and he took her with the passions of a man possessed. All rational thought escaped her as she gave herself to him completely. *~*~*~*~* Tom had been trying to reach Voyager for three days. He had been due back for a check in an hour and a half ago. "Warning, radiation to reach lethal levels in forty-seven minutes. Warning..." "Computer deactivate audio warning authorization paris-phi-one-six." The computer ceased blaring the grim deadline, telling him exactly how long he had to live. Then again he had no one on Voyager left to go back to. He and B'Elanna had split up over two months ago. He would always love her, but he was no longer hers. She had dropped him one day and the whole situation had been completely unexpected, until one night Tom had found B'Elanna in Harry's quarters. Tom had been beyond angry; he had confronted Harry, and he had claimed innocence. He had said that B'Elanna had just needed someone to talk to, nothing more. Tom had found this nearly impossible to believe. Tom had always considered Harry to be his best friend, ever since they met all those years ago on DS9, but that night Harry had betrayed him and Tom had disowned him forever. Now, as he sat on what could possibly be his deathbed, trying to stop the radiation from leaking into his mind, his heart and his soul, he felt his heart break, and his life begin to slip away. He had been negotiating with the Hfrudi during the entirety of the prior week. He had finally managed to get the ore B'Elanna needed to make the new engines run properly and maybe get them all home just a little bit sooner. Paris had managed to get the ore he was sent to retrieve and new Dilithium crystals as well. He had gotten those crystals just in case, for some reason B'Elanna's engines didn't work to the degree that the crew of Voyager needed them to. Paris was sure Kathryn would be pleased with him. He no longer had the right to call her by her proper name, but no one could stop his brain from thinking of her as such. He just hoped and prayed that he could redeem himself in her eyes before he left this world for once and for all. *~*~*~*~* Kathryn was in the middle of the most wonderful meal she had eaten in a very long time. She sat simply enjoying Chakotay's company and eating the food she no longer had the luxury of having most of the time. "Chakotay..." He reached a hand across the table and put his fingers to her lips. "Don't say it if you don't mean it. I couldn't take it if you did." Kathryn reached up to pull his hands away from her mouth and opened her lips to say the words she had been saying to him for months now. "I love you Chakotay, of course I mean it and if you give me a chance I can prove it to you." Chakotay picked her up off the couch and pulled her to him. He sat himself down and pulled her onto his lap. Chakotay gently tilted her head upwards so that she was forced to look deep into the depths of his obsidian orbs. "Kathryn we have to talk." Kathryn looked down at her hands but didn't move from her place on Chakotay's knee. She knew this talk would come eventually. She knew they would eventually have to have the inevitable 'family and commitment' talk. She knew he wanted to get married and have children, but she had hoped, if she left it long enough that maybe she wouldn't have to face it at all. Kathryn Janeway: their very vulnerable and very human captain. She let out a sigh, "All right Chakotay, let's talk. I knew eventually we'd have to talk about..." Chakotay stood up. "Don't you want this too Kathryn? Don't you ever want something more permanent?" He sighed exasperated at her complete blindness to the situation. "Do you really think no one notices the time we spend together off duty?" His voice softened as he made a final plea to Kathryn: the woman. "The nights one of us slips out of the other's cabin in the wee hours of the morning?" She still refused to look his way. *Maybe she will never accept this. Maybe we just weren't meant to be.* "Fine Kathryn, but just remember the crew isn't stupid. They know." Kathryn finally stood up and turned around hands on hips, Irish temper flaring and Captain's stance in place. "I know Chakotay and I understand, it's all just happening too fast. I do..." A hail from the bridge interrupted her tirade and Chakotay knew where her loyalties would always be. "Bridge to Captain Janeway." She responded, Captain's mask slipping into place. "Janeway here." "Captain, we found Paris' shuttle. It's half a light year from our current position. We're reading massive radiation readings coming from his shuttle if he's been exposed..." "Lay in a course. I'll be right there. Janeway out." The Captain looked apologetically at Chakotay. There would be time for this later, or at least she hoped there would be. Janeway turned away from Chakotay now that her decision was made. She walked out the door, and Kathryn was once again tucked away in favor of 'The Captain'. *~*~*~*~* Captain's log supplemental: Ensign Paris was found today. According to what the doctor tells me, Paris is dying. The doctor has not turned himself off for six hours, trying valiantly to cure him, to patch him up, to make him better, but I'm not sure even our Doc, the EMH, the culmination of thousands of doctors and the apex of holotechnology can save Tom this time. Her entry was interrupted by a hail from sickbay, ”Doctor to Janeway." "Janeway here. How is Mr. Paris?" There was a pause on the other end of the comm line. "You'd better come down here and see for yourself." *~*~*~*~* In sickbay Tom had finally come around. The doctor had been trying for nearly eight hours now to save Mr. Paris' life. He had fallen into the coma after Captain Janeway had visited; it had been impossible to awaken him again. He guessed Tom had maybe twenty-four hours. He had been getting progressively worse since Janeway's visit, and his assignment of that grim deadline. The doctor's main problem with trying to 'fix' Mr. Paris was that his cellular structures were breaking down faster than he could repair them. He needed to somehow slow down the cellular breakdown while he repaired the damaged tissue. Then the obvious solution came to him. Stasis chamber. He was a hologram if he worked on Paris while he was in stasis and then reawakened him via the Borg method it just might work. He could not however tell the Captain. He knew of her former liaison with the ensign and would not give her false hope in the event she still harbored feelings for him. At the beginning of their journey Paris had been Janeway's conquest and she had ended up pregnant. The problem was it was only six weeks into their journey and she didn't feel it was a good idea for the Captain to have a baby. So she had asked and then, eventually ordered the EMH to fix her little error. He had done as instructed and it wasn't long after that, that the Captain had dropped him? Dumped him? Ended their relationship and Tom had begun his journey to court B'Elanna Torres. He often wondered why they had split up. He thought they had been good for each other. Tom had shown her how to have fun, how to enjoy life. It was shortly after that, the captain had stopped coming to crew gatherings and ceased going to the holodeck just for fun. It was that day, part of the Captain had disappeared. No he could not tell her what he was going to do, if he failed it would devastate her. He was brought back to the present by the voice of Tom Paris. "Doc, how am I? All fixed up? Good as new?" The holodoc sighed and looked right at him. "I'm afraid Mr. Paris, that I've done all I can. You have about twenty-four hours to live; I suggest you make peace with your demons. I am sorry." Tom felt as if his whole world, what was left of it was falling out from under him. "I'm not going to get better?" He didn't need the doctor to answer him, he knew it was true. His time was up. His clock had stopped. It was then that Janeway walked into sickbay. She approached the doctor. "Maybe we should talk in my office." The doctor led her inside his office. They sat down. The doctor had a somber look on his face. "He would like to talk to you Captain, but before I let you, I must warn you…he is not himself. I gave him the news and I don't think he took it very well." Kathryn nodded; She went to walk out of his office and heard the words that reminded everyone that he was not human, but a hologram. "Computer deactivate the EMH." Kathryn stepped outside the doctor's office and approached Tom's bed. "Tom, how do you feel?" "Good, great...I have what? Twenty-four hours? I think the doctor has me so drugged up I can't feel anything." She saw him trying to make light of the situation, but she knew he was afraid; She knew this was his cover-up." He hesitated and she could tell he was struggling with something, she knew him too well. She had known him in so many capacities, but she did no longer. To her, he was now a stranger. "Finally he opened his mouth. "Captain can I ask a favor of you?" She looked up into his clear blue eyes so much like her own. "Anything Tom, what do you need?" He refused to speak, he wasn't sure if he could do it. He wasn't sure if he could make this request of her. All of a sudden he became shy and withdrawn. He stuttered, trying to get out the words that meant so much to him, and which he needed to mouth to set his soul free. "Tom, it's alright. Whatever it is you can ask me." He finally mustered the courage to make the request that could possibly change everyone's life aboard the Voyager forever. "Captain, would you carry out my final wishes?" She said nothing just nodding and waiting for him to drop the bombshell. "Captain...Kathryn, would you bear me a child?" Kathryn thought she had misheard him, in fact she was sure of it. "You want me to have your baby?" Kathryn was incredulous. "Why? What about B'Elanna, what about..." "Kathryn..." "You're out of line Ensign. You lost the right to call me by my given name the minute we split up. What is wrong with you?" Tom laughed at her question. "I'm dying 'Captain'. I'm trying to fulfill things I thought I would before I died. I want to leave something behind, something besides breaking the warp ten barrier, something besides an Ensign's pips. I am the only male in my family left. I want to carry on the name, or at least the bloodline. I thought you'd be willing to help, please tell me I was right." Kathryn didn't know what to say. "Tom, it's the medication speaking. Impending doom causes people to say and do things they wouldn't under normal circumstances." She took in a deep breath; She held it while she looked into his eyes, seeing how very serious he was. "I'll tell you the same thing I told Q when he made me a similar proposition. I could never have a child with someone I didn't love. I don't love you Tom, not in that way…not anymore. " He was getting flustered and frustrated with her. "I'm not asking you to have sex with me 'Captain'. I'm just asking you to carry my child..." "Tom." Her words stopped his rampage right there, "Assuming I did manage to get pregnant and I did carry your child to term...who would take care of it? I'm not willing. I'm in a committed relationship. Even if I were to consider it, Chakotay would have to be included in this discussion and the decision. And what of B'Elanna..." "Captain its over between B'Elanna and me. It's been over for over two months. I would appreciate it if you didn't bring her up again, she is the last thing I want to think about on my death bed." He sighed. "Captain, if you need to discuss this with Chakotay...please do so. I'll want to know if my wishes will be carried out before I die. Let me die in peace Kathryn." When Kathryn looked in Tom's eyes she saw a pleading there, and she could not even bring herself to reprimand him for the use of her given name. This look, this man, made her rethink her previous brash answers. "I'll think about it Tom. I'll talk to Chakotay, he needs to know, but no guarantees." Tom let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. "Well, that's better than the first answer I got." He hesitated for a minute thinking hard about his next words. "Please Captain think quickly. Doc says he doesn't know how long I have left, and that, more than anything, scares the hell out of me." Tom had tears rolling down his cheeks at this point, and in those tears she saw vulnerability not usually present in the cocky pilot she knew so well. She reached down and grabbed his hand in what was meant to be a comforting gesture. "It will be okay Tom. No matter how much you love this life, I know there is nothing to fear when it's over." Kathryn turned and proceeded out of sickbay. She hoped she was damned for all eternity for the untruths she told. *If there is a god out there, wherever he is, I hope he takes good care of Tom.* *~*~*~*~* As Kathryn walked down the lonely and quiet halls of her ship, her Voyager she realized this was the only place she really felt safe. Problem was today safe and secure was the last thing she felt. She hardly waited for the door to close before hailing her First Officer and lover. "Janeway to Chakotay." "Chakotay here Captain. What can I do for you?" Janeway hesitated and Chakotay heard this hesitation over the comm line. "Chakotay..." she couldn't continue and Chakotay knew what she was trying to talk about her injured crewman. "Captain...how's Tom?" Kathryn took a deep breath. "Commander would you meet me in the mess hall? I'll tell you all about it there, we have something we need to discuss...Kathryn and Chakotay." Chakotay looked around the bridge then down at his console. 'Kathryn and Chakotay' huh? Now he was getting a bit concerned, but no need to alarm Kathryn. "Captain I have to finish something I'm going over with Tuvok. How about I meet you there in half an hour." "Sounds good Chakotay, see you there." Kathryn hopped into the turbolift. "Sickbay," she commanded and felt the turbolift change directions. A few short moments later she re-entered sickbay, realizing she had half an hour to try to get some answers out of Tom and the doctor. *~*~*~*~* Kathryn entered sickbay for what must have been the third time that evening. She saw Tom sleeping on the other side of the room and couldn't help but think he looked like an angel. He appeared much too young to be burdened with the threat of death and when all things were considered, all she could think was he seemed closer to the age of the son she had never had in her prime than a perspective mate. *Looks can be deceiving Kathryn.* She approached the EMH; "Did you give him a sedative to help him sleep?" "Hmm...Yes Captain, a mild one." She regarded the doctor with a concerned look, not sure exactly what her place was here. "Good, he needs to conserve his energy. Doctor, if I did go ahead with what Tom is proposing, what would it entail...for me that is?" She couldn't even force herself to say the word impregnate, or inseminate...or any of the other adjectives that she could have used to describe the procedure she was contemplating. A question that had been tickling the back of her brain popped to the forefront. "Wouldn't he be infertile from the radiation poisoning?" The doctor stared at her shock evident in his holographic eyes. Some days it was almost possible to forget there were no brainwaves behind his soulless windows. "Well Captain, I have previous samples from when he and Lieutenant Torres were trying to conceive. Had you not been informed of these attempts before today?" Kathryn shook her head. "No. How long ago were Tom and B'Elanna trying to have a baby?" The doctor realized on a ship this small, not intended for long-term travel; the Captain would need to know of any attempts at conception to avoid baby booms and over-population. The problem was in this case she had not been informed and was now seriously 'out of the loop.' "Why yes they were Captain, in fact their attempts continued almost right up until the time they split up." He looked down at the floor, then quickly back up at the Captain. "I think B'Elanna blamed Tom for their inability to have a child. I don't know why really, it just all stopped one month; their attempts to get pregnant that is, and the next thing I knew they were no longer even together as a couple." Kathryn nodded her head, the pieces of the puzzle finally coming together. "Doctor, I have to go; I have a meeting in five minutes. Please keep me informed of any changes in Ensign Paris' condition." "Aye Captain." Kathryn walked out of sickbay and went to join Chakotay and make a decision that could very likely affect the outcome of the rest of their lives. *~*~*~*~* Ten minutes later, after going to her quarters and changing out of the Captain's uniform and into something more suitable for Kathryn, she entered the mess hall. It was not peak time and the dining hall was deserted. This had once been her personal dining room. She almost laughed at the idea of privacy on a ship like this one. Out here in the Delta Quadrant the rules had become less important, the lines less clear-cut, and life more complicated. She saw Chakotay sitting at a table in the corner of the room staring out at the starscape before him. He was a beautiful person, inside and out. He was her best friend, the best First Officer she could ever have asked for, and now he was her lover. If this situation was going to cause him pain, she wasn't sure she wanted anything to do with it. Then again, she wasn't one hundred percent positive about anything anymore, she never had been, and felt as if she never would be. She approached his table, just Kathryn, no sign of the Captain in sight. He had obviously been lost in thought for he started when she got near. "Chakotay, we really have to talk." "Yes, we do." Did he know? Had the doctor spoken to him? "Has the doctor had a chance to talk to you?" She heard in her own voice the question and the underlying fear. Chakotay's head whipped around and he stared up at her. *Doctor? Please let her be okay. I need her.* He opened his mouth finally finding his voice. "The Doctor? No, are you okay Kathryn? Is there something wrong?" She approached him and forced him to look up to her, seeing frantic eyes filled with fear. "No Chakotay. Everything is fine; I just thought the way you were talking the Doc had already talked to you about...about what we need to discuss right now." Chakotay slowly moved his chair away from the table; He patted his knee. Kathryn understood what he wanted and she cautiously sat down on his lap. They fit together perfectly and she couldn't help but think they were two long lost pieces of a puzzle finally re-united. She found that special place just under his chin where he loved to be kissed and planted tender butterfly kisses on his sensitive skin. "Chakotay, I talked to the doctor about Tom. It doesn't look good." Chakotay looked at her with worry evident in his gaze. "What's wrong Kathryn? And why do I have a feeling this is going to have something to do with us?" She chuckled at his perceptiveness. "How well you know me Chakotay. She hesitated before continuing, "He's dying Chakotay. The doctor said if he had more time he might have been able to do something for him but...he doesn't have that time. Doc gave him twenty-four hours...max." Chakotay looked at her, sorrow and grief showing in her eyes. *She is suffering because of this.* He opened his mouth to say something but she silenced him with a kiss. She pulled away and began to speak in a rushed, nervous voice. "There's been too much death on this ship Chakotay. We've lost too many people to accidents...misunderstandings..." "Kathryn it's not your fault...there isn't anything you can do about it..." She cut him off mid-sentence. "Yes there is Chakotay. Tom asked me to have his baby. He wants his legacy, the Paris bloodline to continue." The silence in the room was deafening. She knew he was trying to find the words, and she wouldn't let him; She needed to finish. "Chakotay I didn't say yes...but I didn't say no either. I told him I need to discuss this with you first." Now Chakotay was fuming. He didn't let his temper get to him very often, but when he did there was a good reason. "Kathryn you won't bear me a child and now you're proposing this. You don't want anything more permanent then us 'having sex,' and that's all it is to you Kathryn, don't lie to me or to yourself, and now you're going to try to raise a baby..." "Chakotay, I told you, some day we would get to a more permanent stage in our relationship, but not now. Right now I have to do what's best for the crew. I..." "The crew Kathryn? You actually think having a baby with Tom Paris is what's best for the crew? Give me a break Kathryn, you never wanted me around, since the days we were on New Earth you've pushed me away and now you're doing it again; Enough is enough Kathryn. I waited for you, I waited six years for you and now that I finally have you, you want me to share you with Tom Paris?" "I'm not asking you to share me Chakotay. I'm just asking you to give a little. Do I need to remind you that I would be the one who is pregnant? I would be the one who would have to explain to this child what happened to his father? I..." "And that is your choice Kathryn. You can say no; I on the other hand have no say in this. You can't make unilateral decisions about things that will impact both of us. Did you really think I would let this happen and it wouldn't affect our relationship?" "I..." "Be quiet Kathryn. I can't even look at you right now without getting sick to my stomach." Kathryn opened her mouth to defend herself, but Chakotay cut her off before she even had the chance. "Don't even bother Kathryn. Don't tell me it's for the ship, or you're doing it because he's a member of your crew. This isn't giving blood...this is a child. This is a decision that will have lasting repercussions on you and me for the rest of our lives. I don't want to think about this anymore, and in all honesty I'm not sure how you could ask something like this of me." Chakotay stormed out of the mess hall with Kathryn proceeding not long after. She had to think; she had to make her way to the solitude of her quarters where she could think things through. This type of decision could not be made easily or taken lightly. *~*~*~*~* Chakotay roamed the halls of Voyager. He had at some point made his way to his quarters where he had consumed enough alcohol to completely deplete his replicator rations, not to mention make him so drunk he could not remember the last...he didn't know how many hours. *Kathryn, why do you do this to 'us?'* He soon looked up and found himself outside B'Elanna's quarters. He rang the door chime and B'Elanna came to the door looking groggy and sleep-deprived. "Chakotay, what the hell are you doing? It's 0300." She smelled the rancid odor of alcohol on his breath, on his cloths, "Have you been drinking?" He looked up at B'Elanna through glossed-over eyes. "Kathryn wants to have a baby." She did not understand his dilemma. A baby was a time for celebration. "That's great Chakotay, so what's the matter?" He let silent tears rolled down his cheeks. "She doesn't want to have my baby B'Elanna, she wants to mate with Paris." *~*~*~*~* Kathryn sat in her quarters contemplating everything that had happened over the past six years. There had been enough suffering on her ship, enough death. Was it not the Captain's duty to make sure everyone under her command was happy? Healthy? Did she not have a duty as a Captain, if not as a friend and a human being to make sure Tom's final wishes were looked after? She had after all, been the one who had gotten them stranded out here thousands of light years from home? And now, all he wanted from her, from life was a baby. Did she have the right to stop her crew from having children? Was it her decision to make? No, but this was her decision, she could say no to Tom. She could tell him in no uncertain terms that there was no way in hell she was sacrificing her relationship with Chakotay, her happiness in life for him. She could, but no matter how hard she tried to justify it to herself she knew what every Captain before her knew and what every one after her would know. The day she had become Captain of this vessel, and for as long as she still was, any personal decision she made would be overruled by the choices she had to make for the lives of her crew. She knew deep in her heart, there had never really been a question about anything. After all she had put him through, put the whole crew through, this was the least she could do to make sure at least one of them left their mortal existence happy. *I just hope I can live with myself after all is said and done. Her decision made she fell into the last peaceful sleep she would manage for a long time to come. Her dreams were plagued my many things, but what she remembered most, during her long slumbers was the poem she had read, just minutes before Mr. Sandman took hold of her. When you get what you want in your struggle for self And the world makes you king for a day, Just go to the mirror and look at yourself And see what THAT man has to say. For it isn't your father or mother or wife Whose judgment upon you must pass, The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life Is the one staring back from the glass. Some people might think you're a straight-shootin' chum And call you a wonderful guy. But the man in the glass says you're only a bum If you can't look him straight in the eye He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest For he's with you clear to the end And you've passed the most dangerous test If the guy in the glass is your friend. You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years And get pats on the back as you pass But your final reward will be heartache and tears If you've cheated the man in the glass. *~*~*~*~* Chakotay awoke and looked to the right where Kathryn always slept, instead he found the clock. *0500? What the hell? We always sleep on the same sides.* He turned to his left and instead of seeing Kathryn's alabaster skin, he saw a much darker complexion. *B'Elanna. Oh god, what have I done?* He raised his head and felt the pain of a hangover pounding the inside of his skull. He slowly picked up his rumpled uniform from the floor and dressed. With one last look in the direction of her bedroom he exited without making so much as a noise, hoping she would not remember any more than he did...which in all honesty, amounted to nothing more than the bottom of a bottle. Chakotay had gone to sickbay and asked for something to stop the headache. The doctor had complied without asking any questions. Chakotay had then proceeded to Kathryn's quarters. To his utter relief and astonishment Kathryn slept like a baby. Then he remembered today their shifts started later, and neither needed to be on the bridge until 1200. He stripped and slid into the bed next to her, trying to push away the thoughts of deception that would plague his dreams he was sure, and tried to simply feel the love he had for his Kathryn, or the Kathryn he had once known and loved. *~*~*~*~* Kathryn awoke at 0900 to the sound of a soft snoring in her ear. She looked to her left and saw Chakotay peacefully dozing in her bed. She snuggled up to him and kissed him in a special place only she knew about. She made her way to his back and the tattoo which had matched hers forever branding them as soul mates. The tattoo on his back was of her spirit guide and her tattoo was of his spirit guide. She had never glimpsed the tattoo and never would because seeing it and revealing its identity would be the greatest insult of all to their guides. Mind you she had many times asked the tiny lizard and never once had he said it was an insult; in fact Kathryn could have sworn this branding had pleased her guide. Chakotay began to stir, and she knew today would be the last day of their lives as a 'normal couple.' Kathryn smiled at Chakotay. "Hey handsome. How'd you sleep last night?" Chakotay felt guilty but at the same time he supposed if she didn't know...what she didn't know, couldn't really hurt her. "I slept okay Kathryn, I did after all have you by my side." Kathryn felt so wrong about what she was about to do. She was going to give Chakotay one last day to remember before she went and fulfilled Paris' wishes and destroyed her relationship, possibly forever. She felt the beginning of tears in her eyes. * I can't cry now. I have to at least give him this before it ends.* "Well Chakotay we have a few hours before we're due back on the bridge. Let me show you why you love me." Chakotay saw the mischievous gleam in her eyes and gave himself to her completely. Three hours later they were both on the bridge and the tension was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. All of a sudden both Commanding officers stood up. Kathryn opened her mouth and gave the bridge to Chakotay before bolting to the sanctuary of her ready room. Chakotay turned and nodded in Tuvok's direction and proceeded to his office. Once there, Chakotay took out his akunah and began his vision quest. He needed answers and he felt this was the only way he could get them. He went into his translucent state and waited for the forest to appear. He waited for his home on Dorvan V to make itself known. Instead the only thing he got was the interior of The Voyager. He walked the darkened halls. It was odd no matter how hard he tried to walk the many halls of Voyager, this ship he knew so well, his home now, he always found himself outside Kathryn's ready room. Finally giving in to the futility of it, he entered her ready room. Inside he found a tiny green lizard bleeding on the desk. *Kathryn.* He saw the image of the lizard that matched the tattoo he had on his back. *What have you done Kathryn?* He had a feeling of foreboding that engulfed him. *I can't do this anymore Kathryn. I'm sorry.* We both know that I should be here This is wrong And baby it's killing me, it's killing you Both of us trying to be strong The little lizard writhed under some unknown force then stilled. His connection was broken and he found himself once again in his office. I've got somewhere else to be Promises to keep Someone else who loves me And trusts me fast asleep Kathryn fell into the oftentimes-peaceful trance of the spirit world. It was different though this time. Most times the she-wolf watched Kathryn, watching over her, taking care of her. Today, she felt a huge distance and she only saw one thing, the wolf, and the ever-present image in her vision quests turning around and backing away. She saw the distance between them grow larger, and she knew... I've made up my mind There is no turning back She's been good to me And she deserves better than that ...it would never be the same. Chakotay walked away. He turned away from Kathryn, he walked away from love and he walked away from life. In all honesty he could not picture himself raising Paris' child, especially not when she would not even think about giving him a baby of his own. About giving him the one thing he had always wanted out of life, the only thing he wanted besides love. And now he had neither... It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do To look you in the eye And tell you I don't love you It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie To show no emotion When you start to cry Chakotay walked back onto the bridge. He walked to the center at the same moment as Kathryn exited her ready room. She looked at him, time standing still for a moment, before turning and walking off the bridge, her choice made. "You have the bridge Commander." Kathryn walked into sickbay that day and the doctor gave her hormones. Enough to ensure pregnancy, if she so chose. She would walk in tomorrow and the Doc would verify that she did indeed have a child growing within her womb. He would verify that her life would never be the same and he would verify that her future with Chakotay, her one true love was forever over. She went back to her quarters and wept silent tears of love, of loss and of regret. I can't let you see What you mean to me When my hands are tied And my heart's not free We're not meant to be It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do To turn around and walk away Pretending I don't love you Chakotay didn't see Kathryn for the rest of the day. They needed to speak about this child before Kathryn did something they would both regret. He at least needed to fix the Captain and Commander's relationship. No matter what happened they were forever stuck in this command structure, *Let's hope Captain, that we survive this.* I know that we'll meet again Fate has a place and time So you can get on with your life I've got to be cruel to be kind Like Dr. Zhivago All my love I'll be sending And you will never know 'Cause there will be no happy ending Early the next morning, Kathryn walked into sickbay. She knew what the doctor would say, she knew she was pregnant, she knew it was over. She entered the exam room and the doctor scanned Kathryn from head to toe. "Well congratulations Captain. You're pregnant." That's when they both heard Tom's heart monitor flat line. This was the end, the end of Kathryn's life. The Captain had once again prevailed, leaving nothing more than the discarded carcass that had once been Kathryn Janeway. Kathryn went running out of sickbay immediately after hearing the heart monitor signal the end of Tom's life. Maybe it was the hormones the Doc had administered her, maybe it was the fact that Tom Paris had fathered the child she now carried or maybe it was the fact that Kathryn now knew her relationship with Chakotay would never be the same again. Or maybe, it was the fact that Kathryn Janeway was, for the first time in her life afraid and unsure of what she was doing. The fertilization had held; she *would* have this baby, and at the moment nothing short of a tragedy would change that. Kathryn had ignored Chakotay since she had exited the bridge the day before. He wondered what might have happened to her after their wonderful night together and her abrupt exit. *Oh Kathryn.* He needed to find her, at least try to straighten things out. He had to stop her before she did something that she...no they would regret. If she did have Tom's child, it would be a black cloud overshadowing their relationship forever. How would any kids they might have in the future react to this little one? Had Kathryn thought this through before asking him whether or not they could deal with this? Would there be a 'they' any longer? Chakotay just didn't know. It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do To look you in the eye And tell you I don't love you It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie To show no emotion When you start to cry Kathryn had rushed back to her quarters after watching Paris slip away from them before her very eyes. Had she thought this through? This was the very same thing she and the doctor had discussed not a week ago. Two days earlier: Kathryn sat in sickbay waiting for the doctor to perform the 'procedure'. When she had thought about bearing children to a man when she was younger, she had always thought it would be a man she loved, a man she cherished and a man she would spend the rest of her life with. She never pictured procedures and protocols being a part of it. "Ah, Captain. Please follow me." The next thing she remembered was laying down with the gown on and waiting while the doctor prepared god knows how many vials of god knew what. The doctor looked at the Captain. The infallible, indestructible Kathryn Janeway seemed afraid and unsure. "Captain, are you sure you want to go through with this?" The Captain looked up at him. "I have to do this doctor." The holodoc sighed, and turned to her. "Captain, you don't have to do anything. I can stop this right now if you'd like. In the end this is your choice." "No doctor, see that's where you're wrong. I don't have a choice; I have to do this for everyone involved." And that was the last the doctor heard of it. He asked her many times after that incident if she was sure, if that was what she really wanted to do. He had asked her so many times it was becoming a moot point; it was becoming more of a nuisance than it was caring. Kathryn appreciated it all the same, but the Captain couldn't help but wonder if this would, in the end, hamper her ability to lead this nomadic group of intrepid travelers, or whether it would help them see. The Captain was sure she needed to do this for the crew, but Kathryn was very confused and afraid, and some days she just wished they would work in tandem. Present: Kathryn had thought it through, more times than she cared to admit or think about. She still didn't know if she was doing the right thing. She still didn't know if it was the right thing to do. All she wanted right now was not to think about the child growing deep within her womb. The child she had created by the hand of technology rather than the love between her and Chakotay? Had she made a mistake? It was a little late to be thinking about it now...she could fix this mistake she supposed. But even she couldn't destroy the life of a child she had had a hand in creating whether it be naturally or not. These many thoughts were going through her mind. As she lay down in her bed and began to cry. She rubbed her abdomen, thinking about the child who lay nestled beneath the layers of tissue, muscle, blood...the child who would never know her father. Or possibly a father at all, well not the one she wanted to father her children. *Chakotay.* This thought made the tears come faster and she cried herself into a fitful and troubled sleep. *~*~*~*~* Chakotay walked the halls of Voyager. He was looking for answers. Answers he couldn't get from anyone but himself and Kathryn. *Kathryn.* Did he want to face her again. He knew he wanted to convince her to not go along with this. To convince her to not have that damn kid's baby. He wasn't sure if he could be a father to this child...even if it was Kathryn's baby too. Chakotay stopped where he was, he knew what he needed to do. He knew who he needed to talk to. He went back to his quarters and contacted his spirit guide. What he found in the spirit realm was not what he was looking for, or who he expected. He found his father; he did not find the she-wolf who normally plagued his spirit quests. "Father." *~*~*~*~* Kathryn awoke one morning a month later and looked at her chronometer to see she had slept past the beginning of her shift. *Six years in the Delta Quadrant and you haven't missed the beginning of a shift ever. Four weeks pregnant and you start missing shifts.* She made a request to the computer. "Computer did the alarm go for the 0600 wake-up call?" "Affirmative." "Shit." Kathryn got up and scrambled. She quickly took a shower. Oh yes, my shift started over two hours ago. I never do this. Chakotay is going to freak. Twenty minutes later she was on the turbo-lift heading to the bridge. The doors opened and she entered the bridge. Harry piped up and said something she hadn't heard from him or anyone in a long time. "Captain on the bridge." Kathryn glared at the ensign. She knew this was more for the Commander than anyone else. She had had no interaction with him outside of duty shifts since the day she had announced the possibility of becoming a mother at Tom Paris' hand. She had yet to tell him she was pregnant, or that in a little less than eight months she would be a mother. *You have to tell him Kathryn. You have to talk to him, even if it's just so you know where you stand with each other.* She chickened out though. Kathryn could not face him right now. Not now; not ever. "Commander, you have the bridge." "Aye Captain." The tension on the bridge was palpable. Everyone felt it and knew there had been a falling out between the Captain and Commander. Harry Kim looked around and thought about making a smart-ass comment, like the ones Tom used to make. Like the ones he had been practicing, someone had to take Tom's place. He had lost his best friend, and the ship had lost their best pilot. *Why Tom?* *~*~*~*~* In sickbay the doctor looked at the readings. He was still trying to hide the stasis chamber readings from the bridge. He knew the Captain was too preoccupied with her condition and the state of her relationship with Commander Chakotay to worry about it. He had been trying to purge Tom Paris' system of the radiation poisoning. He was estimating it would take him another six months of constant and slow decontamination to really get him back to normal. He had made a special program subroutine so that he could work on the patient while they were in stasis. The Captain would be close to delivery by then, and he hoped that Tom Paris got to see his child. He hoped the Captain didn't lose herself in the situation, and he hoped the Commander helped her before it was too late. "Computer Deactivate the EMH." He had to do some more work while he wasn't being missed too much. *~*~*~*~* Chakotay had seen Kathryn enter her ready room. She looked like hell. He had vowed he would not interfere. He would not interrupt, he would not go after her no matter what. He didn't care...or so he tried to tell himself. No matter what though, he believed you loved many times in your life but you only had one true love, and unfortunately for him, and the future state of his sanity, this one true love was Kathryn Janeway. There was no question about it, he had only ever felt like this once. He could not, no matter what stay mad at her. He had avoided her for a month now, ever since she had announced what she intended to do. It had tested his sanity and his self-control. It had hurt him, and her according to the way she looked. And since when was Kathryn ever late for her shifts? Never. He got up off his seat and approached the ready room door. As an afterthought he called out to Tuvok, handing over command of the bridge. He entered her ready room without announcing himself or what he wanted. He fully expected and braced himself for a verbal beating. What he saw he was completely unprepared for. He looked over to her desk, which was empty. He heard a whimpering sound and looked over to the couch to see her curled up and crying softly, her head covered with her arms to block out the world and the demons which had taken possession or her heart. His heart broke and he fell in love all over again. "Kathryn. Honey what's wrong?" Kathryn looked up, looking at a ghost. The man in front of her was not real, could not be. He had given up on her. There was no love left to give, all she knew was hurt. "Commander. I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to see me like this." He looked at this broken woman. "Kathryn, what's wrong? What happened?" "Nothing Chakotay. I just have some stuff going on right now. Her hand unconsciously approached her belly and slid across it slowly. Chakotay just looked at her. "What could possibly be going on that could hurt you so much Kathryn? I have been ignoring you, after that attempted fiasco with Paris, I thought we needed the space. I don't know what to say Kathryn. I'm glad you didn't do it. I want children some day but I was hoping that I would be able to father them. I..." "Don't you get it Chakotay. I did go through with it. I am pregnant. I'm going to have Tom Paris' child. There's nothing we can do about it. I've accepted that you may not want me now that I've been contaminated, that you might never speak to me again outside of our roles on the ship, but I need you to be there as my Commander no matter what. The ship has always come first, will no doubt always come first, there isn't anything I can do about that. It's who I am. If it comes to a point where it doesn't come first, I wouldn't be me. It wouldn't be right, and I couldn't live with myself. I'm sorry Chakotay." With that she exited the ready room and headed for the bridge, a fake smile pasted on her face. *~*~*~*~* Harry watched the Captain walk onto the bridge. He saw her, she was smiling...if you could call it that. She had thi 'smile' on her face, it didn't suit her, it was so unreal. It wasn't even her half-smile she gave people wshen she was trying to hide something in her personal life from them, it was worse. He looked around the bridge and he knew that he wasn't the only one wondering what was going on. What could possibly be wrong. There was something big that was up, and he knew it as did everyone else and eventually someone would ask, someone would question and someone would know. The next thing he saw he should have expected. Chakotay walked out of her ready room. Harry knew that to a certain extent the ready room was sort of her safe haven, and Chakotay had invaded that place, as he seemed to have invaded every part of their Captain's being. *~*~*~*~* Kathryn sat in her command chair. Here she was in control. Here she was the Captain. She looked up to see Commander Chakotay walking towards her chair. She was torn.... I thought I saw a man brought to life He was warm he came around like he was dignified He showed me what it was to cry Well you couldn't be that man I adored You don't seem to know - or seem to care what your heart is for I don't know him anymore There's nothing where I used to lie My conversation has run dry That's what's going on Nothing's fine I'm torn I'm all out of faith This is how I feel I'm cold and I am shamed Lying naked on the floor Illusion never changed Into something real I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn So I guess the fortune teller's right I should have seen just what was there and not some holy light But you crawled beneath my veins and now, I don't care, I have no luck I don't miss it all that much There's just so many things that I can't touch I'm torn There's nothing where he used to lie My inspiration has run dry That's what's going on Nothing's fine I'm torn I'm all out of faith This is how I feel I'm cold and I am shamed Lying naked on the floor Illusion never changed Into something real I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn I'm all out of faith This is how I feel I'm cold and I'm ashamed Bound an broken on the floor You're a little late I'm already torn Kathryn was torn. Torn between her faithfulness to Tom and this baby. Her love for Chakotay and the possible life they could have shared together but which was now completely out of her reach. The lies she had told everyone by not revealing what was going on. She thought about it and realized she needed Chakotay now more than any other time in her life. Despite everything she couldn't do this alone. She had always thought Chakotay would come around, but now she wasn't so sure, and fear permeated her very being. She looked up at Chakotay, unshed tears in her eyes making them look even bluer than usual. "Excuse me. Commander you have the bridge." She walked to the turbolift. "Officer's deck." She felt her knees give way beneath her. "Halt turbo-lift." The lift stopped and she sank to the floor. She sat down and cried unable to control her grief, her fears and her life any longer. After nearly an hour on the floor of the turbo-lift, she got up and continued her journey. Somehow she made her way to her quarters and fell asleep. Next morning she got up and made her way to the bridge. One more day without her love and without her life. *~*~*~*~* Three months later: The Doctor had been working on Mr. Paris almost non-stop since the accident. Over the past four months, since his Captain's insemination at the hand of Ensign Paris, hers and Chakotay's relationship had gone to hell. Everyone saw it. He had asked her numerous times if this was really what she had wanted to do, and she has adamantly said yes. Now the doctor was not so sure. He had tied in his programming to Mr. Paris' brain waves via the cortical implant the Borg had used on Chakotay all those years ago. Tom knew everything that happened on the ship. He knew the Captain was indeed pregnant. He knew that she had yet to tell the crew and that this pregnancy had ruined her relationship with Chakotay. Tom had left this life to the best of her knowledge and had left Kathryn Janeway as nothing more than a torn and shattered shell of the woman she had been. He hoped that when Ensign Paris woke up in a few months time, that he would be able to see what he had done to their intrepid Starship Captain. *~*~*~* It had been fifteen weeks since the Captain had gotten pregnant Chakotay figured. He knew she had yet to inform the crew. Eventually they would figure it out. It wasn't like it was something she could hide forever. This morning she had not shown up for her duty shift. She was three hours late. He had made his way to her quarters. He still had the codes for her cabin, but he didn't want to intrude. That was one role he no longer occupied in her life, and he would not take advantage of the fact that he had once been in that position. He rang her door chime. No answer. He rang it again...still no answer. After four tries he began to get worried. He opened it via the security override codes and walked in. He didn't see her anywhere. He made his way throughout her cabin and found her in the bedroom. She stood in front of the full-length mirror examining her body. Looking at the small swell which occupied her mid-section. She ran her hand over top of it, as if seeing for the first time that it was there. "I'm going to have a baby Chakotay. This is really going to happen." He realized until now, it had been nothing more than an abstract concept, but now it was real. "Chakotay, I'm scared. I can't do this alone. Could you ever take me back?" He went over to her. He could not deny her. He had been too long without her. He had been too long without contact. He picked her up and carried her to the bed. He laid her down and pulled up the bottom of the tunic so that her abdomen was exposed showing the evidence of the life that grew within her. "Kathryn, I could never not forgive you. Eventually it all comes down to love, and unfortunately sometimes, I love you more than I care to admit." He looked her in the eyes making sure she understood certain things. "I will not keep this from the child though Kathryn. He will know his parentage. I won't claim him as mine biologically when he's not. We don't have to treat him any differently than the other children we will have, but I do have to make him understand what happened. Why you did what you did. When he is old enough, he will know, but he will be loved so much, it won't matter." Kathryn had tears streaming down her face. Chakotay was rubbing her belly in a very soothing fashion. "Chakotay, I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I should have listened to you. It's not fair to bring this child into the world knowing..." "Kathryn. We'll make it work, I promise. But you have to promise me you'll never do this to me again." Kathryn merely nodded numbly. "And Kathryn, you have to tell the crew before they figure it out on their own. She nodded again, and Chakotay knew that eventually everything would work itself out. It would be a difficult road, but Kathryn Janeway never did anything the easy way and this would be no exception."Kathryn...I do ask one thing of you though." "What's that Chakotay?" "I will not raise children in an unstable household. Marry me. Let me move into your cabin, if I'm going to help you, if I'm going to be part of this child's life, it has to be a full-time job. I won't be a token father, if I do something like this it has to be all the way." Kathryn could do nothing except thank him for his understanding. Life would be okay, and her soul was once again complete. *~*~*~*~* It had been late yesterday morning that Chakotay had found her in front of the mirror examining every facet of her now, ever-changing physical form. Her breasts had become very sensitive and upon close examination yesterday she had found further evidence that she did indeed carry a child within her painfully thin form. She had touched the small mound of flesh where the child rested with amazement. There was a child there and she would be a mother. It was then that she had decided that if Chakotay would take her, she needed him back. The child's biological father was gone from this world by circumstances beyond her control, but this child, she could still have a father in her Maquis Commander. So much had happened since they had been stranded in the Delta Quadrant and she needed to make sure no more suffering took place, which is why she carried this child now. Chakotay had slept on her couch that night, making sure everything was okay. Neither of them had gone to the bridge after his visit. Chakotay had turned over command for the day to Tuvok. She was ever grateful for his care and diligence when it came to her emotional and physical well-being. She was sure if it had not been for him, she would not be who or where she was today. She was wearing a very loose nightshirt. She pulled it off so she stood naked in her room. She walked over to the full-length mirror, repeating the motions of yesterday. She let a small smile touch her lips at the sight of the baby within her. *It's going to be all right Kathryn.* Chakotay awoke to the sound of someone stirring in the other room. He was disoriented until he realized where he was. He was in the sitting room of Kathryn's quarters. He looked towards the bedroom. "Kathryn?" Kathryn heard his voice and ignored him. This was possibly the last time she would have a moment alone with her child before she was forced to announce her impending motherhood to the crew. She knew Chakotay's stand on this, and she knew that she would also have to admit the child's parentage. She was aware of the fact that there would be hard feelings, and she knew resentment from some. She would deal with it, as she dealt with everything. Only this time, she would not be alone. She would have Chakotay at her side to shoulder some of the burden. Chakotay heard no answer from the room Kathryn occupied. He was wondering what she was doing, why she wasn't answering. The previous night they had had a discussion that he hoped had helped to alleviate some of the fears Kathryn felt within her soul. He slowly and quietly walked towards the doorway to her bedroom. If she was still resting he didn't want to startle her, not in her current condition. *Her current condition, brought on by someone other than myself.* It still stung a bit, but he knew that she had done this not out of love, but simply out of a dependency and a need to fulfill the happiness of her crew. *Kathryn, I hope some day you'll take care of your happiness.* He peeked into the doorway and in the darkness saw her silhouette in front of the mirror. She was duplicating yesterday morning's actions, as if to console and to appease the child within. "Kathryn." She turned around. She was nearly naked but had no qualms about exposing herself to this man. He had after all seen much more, and she had enjoyed him seeing much more. He had known her body inside and out, and now she needed him to relearn her ever-changing form. "Come in Chakotay. I've done a lot of thinking. We need to get our lives back together. We need to know each other again. I know I still love you, and I hope you feel the same way about..." He interrupted her line of questioning and hushed her with a gentle kiss to the lips. Then he bent down and planted a kiss on her abdomen, joining in the consolation effort by the 'parents' of this child. "Kathryn. I love you too, never forget that. No matter what happens that will never change. No matter what barriers stand in our way, we will surmount them. I promise you." Kathryn looked up to him, happiness shining in her blue-gray eyes. "Make love to me." He looked into her eyes making sure this was what she really wanted and not what she had decided was what she had to do. "I thought you'd never ask." He looked at the chronometer. "But we only have an hour before duty shift. The Captain won't be happy if we're late." She laughed out right. "I have some pull with the lady on top. I think we can work our schedules around some time off this morning." He picked her up and carried her to her bed, still disheveled from the former nights dreams. He carefully placed her on the mattress, treating her as if she were fine china that might break under too much pressure. He pulled the remaining offending garments from her body and kissed his way down starting at her lips and working his way to her aroused sex. He paused a moment at her belly and kissed the small hump. Then he remembered her pleasure that came with his caresses the previous morning. He rubbed her belly in gentle circles making her sigh with pleasure, proving his love to mother and child. She was like the Virgin Mary, realizing for the first time the pleasure of a child within her womb. "Kathryn, I love you and I never want you to forget that." She sighed and awaited his continued assault on her senses. *~*~*~*~* Chakotay slept, Kathryn at his side sound asleep. He was due on the bridge at 0930 and so he left her to her slumber and proceeded to shower and make his way to the bridge, thoughts of his hours with Kathryn on his mind. He had realized that apparently as her pregnancy progressed her pleasure spots changed. She no longer liked some of the things that used to make her writhe under his touch, yet others, which had previously had no effect now made her tremble and shudder with pleasure. Yes learning to love Kathryn was something new every day...and he did love her, more than life itself. He proceeded to the bridge. She would probably be angry with him for not waking her and making her assume her duties and responsibilities but he had a feeling in the months ahead they would have to change a lot of things to accommodate her situation. In the end it would all work out, he had promised her that and he intended to keep his promise...no matter what. He loved her, and would do anything for her, and this was just one more compromise on the road to a life together. He had left her a message and he hoped that it explained everything to her. It was in handwritten scribbles and left on the pillow he had occupied earlier that morning. He had wanted her to understand, it read: Kathryn, I saw the exhaustion on your features and left you to rest. The bridge crew will miss you but will survive without you for one morning. Tonight we will have to discuss how to approach this announcement, and what measures we will have to take in the coming months. I love you and need you and I hope you are not angry with me for letting you rest. Obviously you need it. Talk to you tonight. With all my thoughts for the woman I love, Chakotay. *~*~*~*~* A small note and an explanation. He knew what he was going to hear. He knew he was going to hear the 'I'm the Captain excuses'. He knew he was going to have to deal with the 'I'm invincible explanations'. He knew Kathryn Janeway and he knew how she thought. The months ahead would be tough, but a life with Kathryn was worth any price he had to pay, and all the sacrifices he had to make. He loved her, and nothing can ever separate soul mates joined by true love. Nothing. Until death, and even then, nothing. *~*~*~*~* Chakotay arrived back at her quarters after a long day. They had had a confrontation with the Malon. He had been hoping that they had seen the last of them. No one had asked for the Captain. They had all seen the exhaustion written all over her features for the past three months. When he had informed them of the fact that she was catching up on some much needed sleep and was not to be disturbed, no one so much as questioned him...not even Tuvok. He hesitated before entering her quarters. She was going to be angry. He had to try not to upset her, she didn't need any more stress. He keyed in the code, which she had given him to grant him access to her quarters six months ago. He was pleasantly surprised when he realized she still had not changed them, making him more sure than ever of his guaranteed place at her side and in her life...forever. He walked in and Kathryn was still sleeping peacefully in her bed. She had managed to pull her blankets up forming a protective cocoon around her body. He slowly walked up to her and gently shook her trying to rouse her from her slumber. "Kathryn." She slowly began to stir. She had fallen asleep, and now it was no doubt time to go to work. She looked up at Chakotay. "Time to head to the bridge lover boy?" Chakotay looked away guiltily, "Actually Kathryn...it's almost 1800 hours. It's supper time." She was shocked. She had slept through the day. He hadn't woken her up. "Chakotay, why didn't you wake me up this morning? I needed to be on the bridge. That's where I belong Alpha shift. You had no right to let me sleep through 'my' work. You had no right to..." "Kathryn calm down. You were exhausted. You needed your sleep. It's not good for the baby..." Kathryn laid a hand on her belly. "It's not even your baby Chakotay, why do you care? I'll do as I please Chakotay. If you can't accept that I'm responsible for this child, then maybe you shouldn't be here." Chakotay looked at her protective stance and knew there was no arguing with her, she would come around, as she always did, or he hoped she would. Hormones, arguing, just being Kathryn, he wasn't sure, but he knew she would come around. She had to before this baby came along. "Alright Kathryn. If that's the way you want it. But remember I'm here if you ever need me." She was so angry with him. "I don't need you. I don't need anyone. I am so sick of you and everyone else thinking they know what's best for me. The doc asked me I don't know how many times if I was sure this is what I wanted to do. I make decisions for the crew every day, I make the right ones. I choose life and death situations, this was no different." Chakotay turned back around. "The hell it isn't. The doctor and everyone else is looking out for your best interests whether your pig-headed stubborn pride let's you believe it or not. Kathryn, we...the crew only want what's best for you, and I'm sorry you can't see that." They were yelling now, and Kathryn felt short of breath. But she couldn't let him win. "And how the hell would you know..." Kathryn doubled over and fell to her knees clutching her stomach. "Kathryn..." Kathryn moaned and then made an incoherent attempt to speak to Chakotay. "Kathryn, what's wrong?" "I...I don't know...." Chakotay didn't waste any time. "Chakotay to sickbay. Two for emergency beam out to sickbay." "Commander..." "Just do it." He felt the familiar tingle of the transporter and prayed all would be well. *~*~*~*~* The doctor had been working yet again on the reparations he was making to Mr. Paris when he had gotten the signal for an emergency beam in to sickbay. He had not been told who...or what...or anything about why he was being summoned from his duties. He had appeared in sickbay to see nothing but the Captain on the biobed groaning and holding a hand to her slightly swollen abdomen where the child she had not informed the crew about laid to rest. *If this baby dies, part of the captain will die with it.* He looked around and took in the sight before him. Commander Chakotay was at her side and the doctor's processors told him that it was Chakotay who had called for the transport. "Commander, what happened?" Chakotay was staring. He was staring at Kathryn. She was passive, but the fear in her eyes told him that she was scared. "She...she collapsed. She went down on her knees...clutching her stomach. I..." "Commander. Is she responsive?" He nodded. The doctor walked over to where his Captain, Chakotay's future wife the Commander no doubt hoped, lay scared and in pain. Then he heard her start to scream again. "Oh my god. No...save my baby...Doctor, you have to..." The doctor approached her and pressed a hypospray to her neck. Kathryn quieted immediately and ceased thrashing around. *Dear god, let her be okay.* The doctor scanned her and saw her heightened adrenaline and stress levels. *What the hell.* "Commander...were you and the Captain arguing when she collapsed?" The Commander looked away guiltily. "We..." He hesitated unsure of what to say. "Commander!" "She got all worked up because I let her sleep through her duty shift. She needs her sleep, especially now with the baby on the way." The doctor gave the Captain something to bring her levels back to normal. He watched her brain waves and noticed she had cycled into REM sleep. This was a good sign. "Commander. I checked her sleep patterns, and despite the reduced number of hours of sleep Captain Janeway gets, she is fine. She has been living on no sleep and caffeine for longer than I care to guess, and she has survived and she was healthy enough for it. This is a difficult enough time for her. Let her do this on her own, let her do what she thinks she has to do. Let her..." "Doctor, I love her and I need to make sure she's okay." The Doctor was getting exasperated. He had once loved, but he had never upset her as Chakotay seemed to aggravate the Captain. "Commander, you really need to let her be. The way Kathryn Janeway is, this is the only way she will be. She will not do things because she is asked, it will be the same as her medical checkups. I will tell you if there is something seriously wrong or if she is endangering the child." He looked towards the forlorn man to his right. "She is fine, she will be fine, and the child is fine. This was a scare and maybe it'll scare her straight." Chakotay quietly spoke the words he had been wanting to say but keeping to himself. "What happened to her doctor? Why did it happen? Was I the cause?" The doctor in all honesty wasn't sure how to respond. On the one hand he was indirectly responsible. On the other hand, with the Captain's stress levels and working hours as they were, he was surprised this hadn't happened sooner. "Commander...Chakotay, you weren't the direct cause but in some way shape or form...you were a contributing factor." Chakotay didn't say a word. He just got up from his seat. He walked over to the biobed where Kathryn slept peacefully like an angel fallen from the clouds. He bent down and planted a gentle kiss on her forehead. It wasn't a sexual kiss, but a kiss of regret and of forgiveness and an apology for everything both of them had been through. He pulled the hair away from her face so it now framed her porcelain features like a halo. "I'm sorry Kathryn, I never meant for things to turn out this way..." Chakotay didn't even notice when the doctor softly called for deactivation. "...all I ever wanted for you...for us was the best." He took a large pause. There was not another soul around and the only person he was talking to was Kathryn. He had to say this to her, whether she heard what he was saying or not. "I have to leave now. I'm causing you too much pain, I'm sorry. I know me leaving will hurt you, but I have to. In the end, it will be for the best. I'm sorry." He reached down and pulled out the stone he had kept from New Earth and had saved as part of his medicine bundle. He placed it in her hand and folded her fingers over the smooth carvings of the stone. He placed one hand over her child, that's what it was. That's what it had always been. Never their child: her child. He hoped she realized how hard it had been to let go. The letters on the stone were in his native language and they spelled out the word 'FOREVER'. "I love you Kathryn, never forget that. Forever, you will be 'my' angel." *~*~*~*~* Spend all your time waiting For that second chance For the break that will make it okay There's always some reason To feel not good enough And it's hard at the end of the day I need some distraction Oh beautiful release Memory seeps through my veins And may be empty Oh weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight In the arms of the angel Far away from here From this dark old hotel room And the endlessness that you fear You are drawn from the wreckage Of your silent reverie Here in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort here So tied up in a straight line That everywhere you turn There's vultures and thieves at your back Storm keeps on twisting Keep on building the lies That you make up for all that you lack Don't make no difference Escaping one last time It's easier to believe In this sweet madness Oh this glorious sadness It brings me to believe In the arms of the angel Far away from here From this dark old hotel room And the endlessness that you fear You are drawn from the wreckage Of your silent reverie Here in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort here Here in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort here *~*~*~*~* Kathryn woke up late the next morning. She had been moved from sickbay to her quarters mere hours after the labor scare. She wasn't sure why, but the previous night she had been plagued by images of angels. It was as if a premonition of something to come was invading her sleep. She got up and heard something drop to the ground. She saw a rock and wondered what it was doing in this area so far from its native landscape. She picked it up and saw scratches on it. She looked, and though she had no idea what the symbols represented she felt a great importance was attached to this pebble. *Chakotay.* She knew last night's dreams had been weird in a comforting sort of way. She felt a stirring from within. She placed a hand to her abdomen and felt the early movements of the life that would forever hold a place in her heart, in spite of everything. However, there was another space in her heart occupied by only one person. Her heart and soul were compartmentalized. Different people held different places. There was only one who encompassed all the parts and areas, and only one who had won her heart. *Chakotay.* She sat by the viewport in her thin nightgown, looking out at the stars above, her hand on her belly as if, if she didn't feel the child there, it would disappear. What had she told Q all those years ago, "I could never have a child with someone I didn't love". But she had, and now she had this small living proof of what? It wasn't of love. She realized that she had hurt Chakotay more than she could have ever imagined possible. She knew that she had put him through hell and back trying to justify the reasons for having Paris' child. In the end she realized the only reason had been fear: Her fear of forever being alone. In producing a child she had thought she would never be alone. How wrong she had been. There was only one person who forever shared her space and her heart and who would be the one she wanted share all her journey with. *Chakotay* Strange and beautiful Are the stars tonight That dance around your head In your eyes I see that perfect world I hope that doesn't sound too weird Kathryn realized that the stars that had been in her eyes as a child, the stars of wonderment and hope of accomplishments career wise had been false truths. They had offered her comfort as a child. Comfort in the fact that she had accomplished something wonderful and great. But now, she was here. Now she had made it. And now, she was alone. Had all the sacrifices been worth it? Had the loss of love and laughter been worth the commendations and the everlasting recognition? Besides, did it matter anymore? Paris had said it wasn't other people's opinions that he should be worried about, only his own. He had hoped it wasn't a theoretical impossibility to pass those barriers. She had told him it would not be. In all honesty she had been jealous then. She had never been able to surpass those barriers, and she wasn't sure she would ever be able to. As she felt the child's movements all she could think was that Chakotay should be here to share this moment with her. She reached up to hit her combadge, but a sense of foreboding and fear passed through her. And I want all the world to know That your love's all I need All that I need And if we're lost Then we are lost together Yea if we're lost Then we are lost together *We are lost together in this void of nothingness, which is the Delta Quadrant.* *Chakotay.* Kathryn tried to figure out how she could possibly get past this. She had had such a beautiful relationship with Chakotay. They had had something special, and one decision, the decision to have a baby, had changed all that forever. Why did I do this? *You know why, Kathryn. You were afraid. Afraid of being lost and alone forever. You need companionship just like anyone else, as much as you refuse to believe it. What other reason would there be for you to get pregnant by an ensign under your command?* Kathryn called Chakotay. She had to talk to him. "Kathryn to Chakotay." "Chakotay here. What can I do for you Captain? You're off duty today, and everything is operating normally here on the bridge. Is there anything you need?" Kathryn nearly cried. *Captain. He called me Captain.* "Never mind Chakotay. It was nothing. I was just checking up on my ship." "Understood, Chakotay out." *~*~*~*~* I stand before this faceless crowd And I wonder why I bother So much controlled by so few Stumbling from one disaster to another I've heard it all so many times before It's all a dream to me now A dream to me now And if we're lost Then we are lost together Yea if we're lost Then we are lost together Kathryn spent the evening thinking. How could she have handled this differently. If Tom were alive, would she have made the same decision? Then she thought about it, and as she put all her time into thinking about it, she realized no she wouldn't have. There was only one person she would have father children for her. *Chakotay.* That name was forever haunting her days, haunting her nights, haunting her life. *Chakotay.* In the silence of this whispered night I listen only to your breath And that second of a shooting star Somehow it all makes sense And I want all the world to know That your love's all I need All that I need And if we're lost Then we are lost together Yea if we're lost Then we are lost together Kathryn had had enough. She had never been one to stand by and watch not bothering to do anything to help the situation or to fix what was going on. It was time to fix her life. She could deal with this 'crisis' as she dealt with everything else. "Computer. Locate Commander Chakotay." "Commander Chakotay is in his quarters." Kathryn looked at herself in the mirror. She was wearing a loose flowing dress. At this point it was one of the only things that still fit her and hid her ever-expanding waistline. *God what am I going to do? I still haven't told the crew. What about B'Elanna? This child should have been theirs.* Kathryn refused to cry again. She had spent too much time crying since she had gotten pregnant. Her emotions were in turmoil. The only thing she was sure of at the moment was that there was only one man she loved, and that man was Chakotay. She now had work to do in repairing their relationship. She arrived at his quarters and rang the chime. He answered the door. "Kathryn." *~*~*~*~* The Doctor had reactivated himself into the world of the living. He had spent too much time around possible death. He looked at his logs. He had done the impossible. He had 'reactivated' Tom Paris so to speak. He could take him out of stasis at any time, but he still had some re-constructive work to do. The radiation had cause major damage to his outward appearances. He had radiation burns and scarring on 80% of his body, but he was out of the woods. He could function again. Thanks to Seven of Nine's help, he had been able to fix Tom Paris' many problems. *Well the physical ones anyway.* There would be much the command staff would need to discuss once Ensign Paris was reawakened, and in all honesty, the doctor wasn't sure he had done the right thing by repairing him. Would this cause more problems than benefits? *What have I done?* *~*~*~*~* Kathryn was afraid to look up into the eyes of the man she had hurt so much. "Chakotay, we need to talk." Chakotay was afraid. The last time they had 'talked' she had ended up in sickbay. True it had not been life threatening, but it had scared him none-the-less. "Kathryn. I don't want to upset you. The last time we spoke, you got hurt. I don't want to end up hurting my angel ever again." *My angel?* "Chakotay, did you visit me last night?" Kathryn reached into her pocket and pulled out the stone she had found. For some reason she felt the need to keep it with her. "I found this by my bed this morning. What does it mean?" Chakotay lowered his head. "It's a message to you. It's very important to me that you keep that, 'forever'." He stressed the word, and Kathryn understood. "Chakotay I need you. I love you, and I can't do this without you." She lowered a hand motioning to her abdomen. "I can't deal with this alone. I can't live without the relationship we had. I opened the door for you, and now you're slamming it in my face. All I ever wanted was someone to love me and to protect me. When I decided to have this baby, I thought you would be there for me, always and forever." Chakotay had tears streaming down his cheeks. "If I was sure I wasn't going to hurt you, to cause you pain, I would." He hesitated. "But I can't promise you that." Kathryn saw his emotions displayed so clearly on his face. "The only way you could ever hurt me would be to stop loving me." "I could never stop loving you Kathryn. I suppressed it for you. For us, I just never want to hurt you ever again." She brought his head down to her shoulder comforting him. *She is always the strong one, even in her moments of weakness.* After his tears subsided Chakotay picked up his angel and carried her over to his bed. He laid her down and whispered endearing messages of love and tenderness in her ear. He kissed her, gently, butterfly kisses starting on her forehead and working his way down to her silky lips. "Oh god, Chakotay, I need you," whispered Kathryn urgently. He understood her meaning and slowly began to pull the straps of her dress down. His kisses moved themselves to her bare breasts beginning to fill with the milk, which would nourish her child as it grew. "Kathryn, you are so beautiful." He continued his careful ministrations until Kathryn gasped unexpectedly. "Oh...Chakotay." Kathryn felt the child within her move, surprised at the unexpected movement she brought his hand down to the place where her baby was resting. "What..." He soon felt the movement and understood. Her child had made its presence known, and he now felt the movements of the child. "Kathryn, let me help you. Let me be a part of this child's life." She reached up and traced the lines of his tattoo. "I could not ask for anything more." He smiled at her, a beautiful smile showing the dimples she so rarely saw. He began to remove her dress. He pulled it down until he reached her belly. He carefully revealed the swell where the child was sleeping. He caressed it making her gasp at the sudden contact of skin on skin and revel in the feelings. "Kathryn. You can't keep this a secret for much longer, you're almost 18 weeks pregnant. People are going to start to notice. Wouldn't you feel better if you told them rather than let them figure it out on their own?"
"Yes," she looked down at her abdomen. "I guess I can't hold it off any longer. I'll tell the senior staff tomorrow." He gave her a reassuring smile and continued his attentions. *~*~*~*~* The Doctor had finally finished. Tom Paris was back to his old self. The doctor looked at his masterpiece. He brought him out of stasis, and began the resuscitation. Tom took his first breath and looked up at the Doctor, still unbelieving despite the fact that he had known the whole time what was going on. "Doc, I need to see the Captain." The doctor reached for his combadge. "I will contact the Captain for you Mr. Paris. But you need to be aware of the fact that she is in a very delicate condition right now. You can't yell at her, you have to be gentle with her." Paris nodded. "Do you really understand what that means Tom. She is pregnant, it is your child and her relationship with the Commander is on the rocks. On top of that, she thinks you are dead...this is going to be a shock to her." Tom looked angry. "I would never hurt her doc. But I need to see my baby." The doctor was not sure he approved of Tom's reasoning. Although this was Tom's child, the doctor had a feeling that Chakotay would want this baby too, and the last thing the doctor had intended on doing was hurting either of the command team or Tom himself for that matter. *What have I done?* "Doctor to Captain Janeway. Could you please come to sickbay? There is something of great importance we need to discuss. *~*~*~*~* Kathryn looked up at Chakotay. Her first thoughts were of the child she carried. Was there something wrong with the baby? What was... "Kathryn?" She realized Chakotay had been trying to say something to her. She was still lying on her back. The lovemaking earlier that day had been not only beautiful, but had been a first step in the healing process and it had been revitalizing. She felt like a person for the first time in a long time. "I'm sorry Chakotay, what were you saying?" Kathryn was rubbing her belly as she spoke to Chakotay. They were nervous movements, and Chakotay knew what she was thinking. "Kathryn," he reached out and slowed her hands, finally stopping the movements completely. "I'm sure everything is okay, and the doctor is just being careful. It's your first baby and you're not as young as one normally is to have a first baby. Probably just more tests." She swallowed. "But what if they're not? This baby has become so much a part of me, I'm not sure if I could live without him...what if..." "I'm going with you Kathryn. If there is something wrong we'll deal with it together. You are not alone." Kathryn just stared but refused to move, as if refusing the acceptance of the fact that the doctor wanted to see her would make it all go away. "Kathryn, we have to go." Kathryn just stared out, silent tears running down her alabaster skin. Chakotay picked her up ever so gently and carried her towards the door, and hopefully towards good news. *~*~*~*~* Tom walked up to the mirror and looked at himself. He reached up and touched the image of the face he never thought he'd see again. "Doc...thanks." The Doctor didn't know what he should say to this. He supposed he should reciprocate the feeling of gratitude, but somehow knowing this would hurt the Captain and Commander made him hesitate. "You're welcomed Ensign." And so they waited. *~*~*~*~* Chakotay walked down the halls of Voyager Captain in hand, hoping not to meet too many people on this day. He walked down the least used hallways. By the time reached sickbay and Kathryn had calmed down, she was now passively waiting, as if the quietness of her own mind would make it all better. He wondered if she regretted getting pregnant, trying to have this baby. He wondered if she regretted them, or if she only regretted them not being happier at times. He heard her moving, repositioning herself so that she could look up into his eyes. "Everything is going to be okay isn't it Chakotay?" "I hope so Kathryn." *~*~*~*~* The doctor escorted Tom into his office. "Doc, what are you doing?" "Minimizing the surprise Mr. Paris." "But Doc, I want to see the Captain, she is carrying my baby." The doctor forced Tom to sit in his office. "Ensign. I am ordering you to stay put. You will see her when she has been sufficiently prepared for your arrival." He closed the door to his office and walked back out into the main area waiting for the couple to arrive because he had no doubts the Commander would arrive with his patient. It was then that he whirled around at the sound of the sickbay door opening. He saw a peaceful and docile site. He saw a beautiful sight. He saw the Captain, peacefully resting in the Commander's arms. A look of peace on her face and on his. "Commander...Captain. Welcome to sickbay. Please set her down here." The doctor motioned for the Commander to place her on the sickbay biobed. Chakotay walked up to the bed and ever so gently placed her there. He pulled the blanket over her. She had fallen into a peaceful slumber in his arms, and he endeavored not to wake her from this much-needed rest. The doctor walked up and the first thing he did was look at the commander and state. "While she's here I'd like to do her four month exam. It's a little late, but I'd still like to take a look, and since it's so difficult to get the Captain to sickbay, I think I'll take advantage of every possible opportunity that makes itself known." The doctor slowly walked up to the Captain. As he'd mentioned to Paris, he wanted to avoid startling the Captain. He gently shook her shoulders waiting for her to regain consciousness. "Captain." The captain's eyes fluttered opened. She looked around for her love. "Chakotay, where are we?" She saw the doctor's face and searched for Chakotay. "Chakotay?" She was becoming slightly alarmed at his absence. Then she remembered where they had been heading when she had fallen asleep and a slight frown etched itself into her angelic features. "The baby? What's wrong with my baby?" Chakotay approached her from the side. "Nothing's wrong Kathryn. Doc just wants to do the baby's four month checkup." Kathryn visibly relaxed and motioned for the doctor to come closer. "If there's anything wrong with my baby, you will to tell me, won't you?" "Of course Captain. Please..." He motioned to her still form and she nodded her understanding. She moved the blanket down to just below her belly and lifted her dress up to just below her breasts exposing the child. "Thank you Captain." The doctor began his exam. He checked her blood pressure and her weight. Then he checked the baby. "Well Captain everything looks fine. You're gaining weight within normal parameters, but the caffeine in your blood is still too high. I must insist that you at least cut down your coffee intake. Aside from that I don't see anything that warrants any special treatment." The Captain let out a breath she could have sworn she had been holding for the past fifteen minutes while the doctor finished his examination. "Thank god." She began to get up off the biobed. The doctor placed a hand on her shoulder and gently pushed her back down."There is one matter which we still need to discuss Captain." The Captain looked at him confusion written on her features. "What is it Doctor?" "It's something with regards to the child's father." "Tom? What does it matter? He's dead...the only father this child will ever know is Commander Chakotay, and in some ways for that I am thankful..." *~*~*~*~* Tom had been watching the examination through the holocam the doctor had set up. The baby was all right. He was going to be a daddy. He had been fine until the Captain with all the certainty in the world had stated he was dead and that Chakotay would be his baby's dad, and that she was thankful for it. Then he had lost it, and despite the doctors warnings he emerged from the office. "The hell he'll be my son's father." Three pairs of eyes locked onto Tom. Kathryn sat up on the biobed where she had been lying in wait for news. "Tom..." "What Captain. What is it you want now? You have my DNA, and you're going to raise 'my child' with this." He pointed to Chakotay. Chakotay stepped forward and encouraged Kathryn to lie back down on the biobed. "You're out of line ensign." He approached Tom Paris menacingly. "Right Chakotay. Well you can never change the fact that that is my child, and that she chose me over you." Chakotay raised his fists at Tom. "Alright, that's..." Kathryn got up off the biobed and went to stand between the two. Always the diplomat Kathryn was bound she was going to fix this before it started. "Enough. There will be no fight, there will be no anything. I need you both in your professional capacity working together. We're here in the middle of the Delta Quadrant. It's not like there can be replacements for either of you." Chakotay whirled around. "It's him or me Kathryn, you have to make a choice. I'm willing to love you and this baby, but you have to make a choice." Kathryn was shocked. *Make a choice? The crew, or my happiness. Could I ever be happy with Tom and what of B'Elanna?* Kathryn sighed. "Chakotay, this isn't fair. I made this choice thinking that Tom would be out of the picture. If he wasn't, I would..." Tom decided it was time to get his two cents worth in. "You what 'Kathryn'? You would never have even thought of having my child?" Kathryn stood so that she was in between the two of them. She stared at Tom. "Stop it...both of you." She turned around to face Chakotay. "I need time. I need to figure this out, and I can't do that with you two fighting here." She backed away, towards the sickbay door. "I'm pregnant with Tom's baby. We all know that I was artificially inseminated, but that doesn't mean he is the father of this child." She sighed. "It takes more than impregnating someone and walking away Tom." She stopped Chakotay before he could say anything in response to her words. "But I'm not sure I can stop your child from seeing you Tom. Or stop you Chakotay...from being a father to her." Kathryn heard someone clearing their throat from the doorway. She turned to see B'Elanna standing there, watching the situation unfold, holding a cloth to the cut on her hand. "Pregnant? Tom's baby? How dare you?" Kathryn pushed her way through the crowd of people and headed for the door. She ran all the way to her quarters, holding back the tears that needed release. She got to her quarters. She got inside the door, tore the combadge off her dress and sank to the floor and cried. She cried for herself, cried for the child and cried for her love, which might no longer be realized. *~*~*~*~* In sickbay, Tom realized that B'Elanna had shown up. "B'Elanna. What did you do to your hand?" "Stuff it helmboy. How did the Captain end up pregnant. Forget that, what I should be asking is why is she carrying your baby. After all we did, after all the attempts we made to have a baby, and you choose her. What? Was I not good enough for you?" Tom opened his mouth to make an explanation. B'Elanna stopped him. "Don't even bother Tom. We're done, have a nice life with the Captain." Tom felt his life falling apart. He had never expected his re-awakening to be like this. He flew towards Chakotay and decked him. He watched the blood trickle out of Chakotay's nose where he had punched him. "Chakotay..." Tom didn't even know what to say to him. He headed out of sickbay. *~*~*~*~* Kathryn woke up on the floor of her cabin almost three hours later. She felt the stirrings of the life beneath her. "Why did I let him do this to me?" She rubbed her hand over her abdomen. "I was looking forward to becoming your mother, but...I'm not sure if I can anymore." She stood up and walked over to the replicator. She ordered some herbal tea. *Chakotay's blend.* "Computer is there anyone in sickbay?" "Negative." Kathryn stood up and headed for sickbay. *No baby, no problem.* *~*~*~*~* Chakotay had had his nose fixed up. Then he had headed for the bridge. He assumed that Kathryn would not be ready to face the bridge crew again so soon. What were the chances that B'Elanna would walk in? Star-crossed lovers, stuck in circumstances beyond their control. Kathryn had made a decision under the pretext that Tom wasn't a factor, and now? Here they were. Stuck in the middle of nowhere, nothingness claiming them. Would they be able to continue working as a crew after this? "Torres to Chakotay." *What now? I don't have time to deal with this.* "Chakotay here. What is it B'Elanna?" "Could you meet me in my office. We have some things we need to discuss." "Regarding what?" "You don't want to know." *~*~*~*~* Kathryn had made it all the way to sickbay before realizing how brash her decision to even contemplate terminating the child had been. She couldn't do it. No matter what the circumstances surrounding her conception. It wasn't fair to this child, and it wasn't fair to her. She held life, in all its forms in too high a regard to do that. Every life was significant, and that included the one she now carried. Kathryn wasn't sure what to do. She needed to tell the crew and at the moment she had no support from anywhere and nothing but problems. She put on her uniform and realized that anyone who looked at her would know what was up. You could see her belly through the thick material of the uniform. It was time to start wearing a maternity uniform, but she had to tell the crew first. "Janeway to senior staff, meeting in one hour." She would proceed to the staff meeting, but first she had to talk to B'Elanna. She had to make sure that her half Klingon engineer kept her temper in check. She would then re-introduce Tom to the staff, and announce her impending motherhood. *God I hope this all works out for the best.* *~*~*~*~* B'Elanna was waiting for Chakotay to show up. They had to talk about that fateful night when in their drunken stupor they had done the wild thing, and he had walked out the next morning without even waking her. Without even looking her way, and he walked right back into the waiting arms of Kathryn Janeway. She heard someone walk into her office. She turned her chair around so she was facing the door. She gasped, "Captain." *~*~*~*~* Janeway looked at B'Elanna. "Let's do this off the record B'Elanna, we have to put our feelings of..." *What grief? Jealousy? In my case stupidity.* "uncertainty behind us. We have to work together on this ship." "Since we're off the record...Captain...go to hell." "You're out of line Lieutenant..." "Yeah that's the answer isn't it? As soon as you get on the defensive, pull rank. It won't work. You want to talk about what's bothering me? Fine, what's bothering me is you. You're self-righteous attitude. If Tom asked you to do this for him fine, that's between you and him, but were you even going to tell this baby who his father was? Didn't Chakotay have any problems with this?" Janeway sighed. "I can't deal with this right now B'Elanna..." "Oh yes. Poor helpless Kathryn Janeway. I don't understand you Captain. You are one of the strongest, most intelligent, most beautiful women I know, and as soon as things get tough, you put on the 'martyr' routine. Years of playing games with enemies finally brought those habits into your social life?" "B'Elanna..." "What 'Kathryn'? You have my boyfriend. You have the baby I wanted. And you have my former best friend for your own. What else could you possibly want from me? If you were anyone else I would have hit you long ago. But you're Kathryn Janeway, and I respect you too much. I hope it stays that way." On that note, B'Elanna exited her office and left Kathryn to ponder her words. *~*~*~*~* Eventually, Kathryn wasn't sure how, she made it back to her quarters. She ran a bath and lay back to try to relax and figure out what the hell she was going to do. She sat in the tub and let the hot water encompass her washing away the day’s worries. She stroked her belly and spoke to the life within. "I'm sorry little one. I hope I can do right by you, but if I don't, I'm sorry. Never forget, I love you." *~*~*~*~* Chakotay made his way to B'Elanna's office. They had to get out in the open everything she wanted to talk about. He knew it had something to do with him and Kathryn. And with that night he had awoken in B'Elanna's bedroom. *What have I done?* He reached her office and found her surprisingly absent. So he sat, and he waited. Maybe he could fix the holes in his life. Fix the micro-fractures before they became breaches. Or maybe, he would have to live a sad and lonely life. He only hoped he would be forgiven, his life, his heart, his love, they were all at stake, and he needed them all back. *Whatever god is out there, help me.* *~*~*~*~* Tom had gone to try to talk to the Captain. He wouldn't let her raise his son without him present. He had gone to her quarters, when there had been no answer, he had broken the lock. He had walked in on her bathing. He had been to Sandrine’s, he was already half drunk. He knew, in some distant part of his mind that he wasn’t under his own forces. That his senses were impaired, but he was so angry with her. Kathryn opened her eyes to see Tom. "What are you doing here Tom? Get out!" She reached up and grabbed a towel and wrapped it around her naked body. Tom grabbed the towel and ripped it from her body, knocking her over in the process. She let out a gasp, "Tom, you won't hurt me." Tom shook his head, he looked at the swell where his child lay. He turned away and stalked out before he could hurt her, or the child. Kathryn started trembling, whether from fear, cold or sadness she wasn't sure. But she was shaking uncontrollably. *~*~*~*~* Tom had returned to Sandrine’s. He had entered to find B'Elanna there. "Tom..." "Go away B'Elanna, I don't want to talk about it." "What don't you want to talk about? The fact that you betrayed me? The fact that you gave to someone else what *WE* wanted so badly? The fact that she is your Captain and you are hurting her? The fact that I slept with Chakotay in an attempt to get back at you? The fact that..." "You slept with who? How could you B'Elanna? I..." "Don't Tom. Don't say it." She walked out of Sandrine’s. Tom smashed a beer stein on the table and watched as the shards of glass sliced through his white skin staining the pale perfection with splotches of crimson. Tears blurred his vision, and he knew he had lost. *~*~*~*~* Chakotay had finally gone to Kathryn's quarters after waiting for B'Elanna for half an hour. He had finally decided to see her when she was ready. Chakotay had walked into Kathryn's quarters, uninvited after seeing the broken lock on her door and fearing the worst for his angel. Apparently Kathryn had crawled out of the tub and onto the bed. She lay on her bed, mostly naked, with a towel wrapped around her mid-section like a sheath of protection against the cruelty of the world. "Kathryn...what have we done to you?" He did not place the blame solely on one person, for they had all contributed. In her selflessness, she had tried to bring joy to some part of all of their lonely lives. She had chosen to do this for the crew and the only person who had ended up suffering was Kathryn. He walked over to her and wrapped her in the blanket much as one swaddles an infant. *My angel, my savior.* Here in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort here May we all find comfort with you my dear sweet one. He was holding an angel in his arms. One who had fallen from the lofty post she had held. One who had had nothing more than the best of intentions, one who was suffering. One who he loved. *Don't run away from us Kathryn. We all need you too badly.* When Chakotay was sure Kathryn was sound asleep he removed himself from her grasp and gently planted a kiss on her temple. "I love you my fallen angel. You can't run from me forever, and I will help you find your wings." Chakotay walked out of Kathryn's quarters and opened a ship-wide communiqué. "This is Commander Chakotay, to all the senior staff. The meeting scheduled for 1600 is rescheduled for 0900 tomorrow morning." *~*~*~*~* Chakotay entered the holodeck. He hoped Kathryn slept through the night. He saw he was in the Sandrine’s program. It had been trashed. There were broken bar stools and glasses everywhere. He looked around and saw Tom huddled in a corner. He fit in perfectly in the room. Broken, torn and shattered. He walked up and made him look at him. He pulled the collar of his shirt to make him focus. Through his drunken stupor Chakotay saw some sign of remorse and regret and...something else. "You wouldn't hit a man when he's down would you 'Indian Man'?" Chakotay had the biggest urge to do just that. Knock some sense into him. "You hurt Kathryn Tom. You hurt her bad, and if you ever do it again, you won't live to see the light of day. That's a promise." He threw him back to the ground, leaving him among the shambles of his program and his life. *~*~*~*~* Chakotay went back to Kathryn's quarters and reclaimed his spot. He sang to her until the wee hours of the morning, trying to make it all right. She couldn't run away or hide forever, and for now, the only thing he was sure of was that he loved and wanted to protect and help Kathryn Janeway in any way he could. Even if that meant sacrificing a part of himself. "I love you Kathryn, always forever." He picked the rock up off the floor, and placed it in her hand. He restarted his singing of lullabies and prayed for a happy ending. *~*~*~*~* Nobody said it would be easy Nobody gives you guarantees 'Cos a heart can always be broken And there can be no loving without tears Runaway to a place where nobody knows Runaway gotta let this feeling go Runaway if I can't find love I'm gonna runaway Nobody's looking for perfection How could they give it in return But I told my heart to believe you And you just gave your love to anyone Runaway to a place where nobody knows Runaway gotta let this feeling go Runaway and I don't want to hurt anymore Though my heart is always searching If I can't find love I'm gonna runaway *~*~*~*~* Kathryn awoke to the sound of silence. Her mind had spent the night conjuring up happy images. Images of times when she had been happy. She remembered her days with Tom Paris. They had been lovers. She knew that this was why she had agreed to have his child. A thanks for all the days they had spent as a couple. A secret they both held close to their hearts. She had been seeing Tom, sleeping with him was more like it, when she had fallen in love with Chakotay. She saw the difference. Kathryn had needed someone to console her, someone to relieve her sexual needs, someone to be a conduit for repressed love, and Tom had unwittingly volunteered for that task. She felt bad, and felt as if she had used him, but she knew, in her heart of hearts, that she HAD used him, and for that she felt sorry. *I'm sorry Tom, please forgive me.* *~*~*~*~* Chakotay had finally managed to track down B'Elanna. It had taken some doing. He had needed to talk to her for some time, needed to work out what had been bothering her. The past night he had contacted his spirit guide, hoping to find in her some answers. He had found out everything he had needed to find. He had betrayed Kathryn, and that night he had awakened in B'Elanna's arms, he had done the unthinkable. He had killed two birds with one stone and ruined two friendships in one. *What have I done?* *~*~*~*~* The doctor reviewed his findings for the past three months. What had happened? What had he done? Why was Ensign Paris acting the way he was? It was not in his personality to hurt people like this with no reason, yet here he was...doing just that. "Computer, run a comparison to Tom Paris' scans to any other similar ones in the database, and analyze these results." The computer worked and he found something odd in one of his scans. *What is this?* His thoughts were interrupted by the computers informing him that the search was done. "One entry found matching." "Display information." He looked at the scans and all of a sudden it all made sense. *Why didn't I think of this before?* *~*~*~*~* Kathryn stood in front of the mirror. Today was her day off. She had held the meeting with the senior staff, divulged her dirty little secret, and then she had spent the rest of the morning trying to get used to the image of herself in a maternity smock. *I look huge.* "Computer open ship-wide communication channel." "Channel opened." She heard the door open, and watched Chakotay slowly enter the room. "Voyager crew. This is the Captain speaking. It is my pleasure to inform you that, in approximately four and a half months, the commander and I are expecting our first child. I may need your support and help over the next few months. Thank you in advance. If anyone has any questions or concerns, my door is always opened." The channel closed and she sat on the bed. "It's going to be a long four months Chakotay." "We'll get through it Kathryn. I promise you. Aren't you going to tell the crew of the child's real parentage?" Kathryn looked down at her hand in her lap. "I don't think they need to know Chakotay. It really isn't an issue. As I told Tom, you are the only father that this child will ever know." Chakotay hesitated before he continued with what he was going to say. "When are you going to tell me the real reason you decided to have Tom Paris' baby?" Kathryn let a surprised gasp escape her mouth before looking into his eyes and knowing he meant it. "I..." *~*~*~*~* The Doctor scrutinized the results. "Computer compare these results to those collected on Stardate 49373.4. Search for the information regarding the enzymatic imbalance in the cerebellum he experienced during the warp 10 flight." The computer checked it out. It matched. "Computer, display projected results of prolonged stasis on the condition diagnosed in Mr. Paris." "Projected results conclude that this condition could conclude in schizophrenia, and other possible neurological disorders." *Oh dear god, I'm responsible.* He tapped his combadge. "Doctor to Captain Janeway. Could you please come to sickbay, there's something here you should see." *~*~*~*~* Kathryn heard her combadge beep. The Captain knew she had to answer and immediately sprung into action. "Janeway here. What is it Doctor?" "There is something very interesting which showed up in Mr. Paris' scans which you should see. There are two reasons Captain, one you are the Captain of this ship and two you are carrying his child." Kathryn shook her head. *You did this to yourself Kathryn.* "Kathryn?" He knew she wasn't hearing a word he was saying. "Kathryn!" She finally answered. "Yes Chakotay. What is it?" "Are you alright?" She got up and walked to the door. "I have to go." "Kathryn, are you going to wear that?" "There's no hiding it now Commander. I might as well show it off." She walked out, and Chakotay felt as if he were losing her again. This was one battle he continuously fought and never seemed to win. Spend all your time waiting For that second chance For the break that will make it okay Maybe there wasn't an answer. Maybe it wouldn't be okay and maybe waiting wasn't what he needed to do, but maybe proceeding was. He headed for the mess hall. He hadn't eaten in what seemed like forever. He needed to wait for Kathryn to make her move. On his way out he picked up the stone, the stone that had traveled many a mile with him, and in turn with her. He walked out of her quarters. Maybe forever wasn't as long as he thought it was... And maybe an angel without her wings was an angel no longer. *~*~*~*~* Kathryn walked to sickbay, receiving more than a few astonished glances at her quick switch from regular uniform to maternity smock. *Maybe I hid this better than I thought I had.* She entered sickbay and immediately heard the doctor's excited voice. "Captain..." he looked up at her and shook his head in an all too human mannerism as he continued, "I think I may have found out what is wrong with Mr. Paris." Kathryn was immediately intrigued. "Do you remember when he made the warp 10 flight?" "Of course I do, we were turned into lizards, a future human race of sorts." "That's right. Well do you remember beforehand I told you of the small imbalance he had?" The Captain remembered it well. After that night they had mated on a planet. They had also continued their relationship upon returning to Voyager. "Yes I remember it quite well actually." The doctor sensed there was something more going on than she was saying but chose to ignore it. "Well, I have reason to believe that that same simple imbalance is causing his bizarre behavior right now." She gave the doctor a stunned look. "He's acting like this because of that imbalance? I thought four years ago you said it was harmless." "Four years ago it was. Unfortunately his prolonged stasis seems to have aggravated his condition and turned it into something much more dangerous." It was finally all making sense. "My god, we need to get him back to sickbay." The doctor looked down. The next words would be the hardest to say. "There is nothing more I can do for him Captain." She was torn apart inside, but refused to let it show. "I....I understand." She placed a 'reassuring' hand on his arm and proceeded out of sickbay, heading for the sanctity of her quarters. *~*~*~*~* Chakotay rang the chime to B'Elanna's quarters. "Come on B'Elanna, open the door." "Go away Chakotay. I don't want to talk to you." "Yes you do." "Chakotay I'm warning you..." She was interrupted by the doors opening by the access Chakotay's command codes granted him. "I said I didn't want to talk to you and I meant it." "I don't care. We have to figure out what happened between us, this is tearing us apart." B'Elanna let out a fickle laugh. "'Us?' There is no us Chakotay. It was sex; nothing more than that. I know you don't love me, and you know I don't love you. It was a comfort thing for the both of us, and I'm sorry I had to be there." "B'Elanna we've been through so much together, and we've always survived. We'll survive this too." I stand before this faceless crowd And I wonder why I bother So much controlled by so few Stumbling from one disaster to another "It's over Chakotay. I don't want to see you ever again." Chakotay said nothing, he simply walked out of the cabin, letting the stone drop to the ground on the way out. *Nothing lasts forever.* *~*~*~*~* Kathryn sat in the darkness of her quarters and awaited Chakotay's return. They had decided together, he would move into her quarters and she prepared herself for this change in her living arrangements. When he had finally arrived, she was sitting in the dark and waiting for him. She took his hand and pulled him into 'their' bedroom. She placed his hand on her abdomen and he began to run his hands over her belly gently in an almost hypnotic motion. Her lips approached his and she kissed him with all the suppressed passion that the both of them had been holding back for months. He pulled away and positioned himself so that they were facing each other, lying in the bed they had shared many a night. "We have to talk Kathryn, or rather I need to talk and you need to listen. I hope after this you can forgive me." Chakotay recounted all that had happened between himself and B'Elanna when he had thought he had lost Kathryn forever. He saw her blue eyes go through many emotions: Hatred, betrayal, fear and finally forgiveness and understanding. When she finally opened her mouth and her heart to him, she said things he never expected to hear, but which fulfilled all his dreams. "Chakotay...if you can forgive me for getting pregnant by Tom, I can find it in my heart to forgive your transgressions. But this is it, from now on we deal with everything together, as a family." She put one of his hands on her belly, the other covering her heart. Chakotay loved this woman more than life itself. His hand continued its movements over her abdomen and subconsciously his other hand moved to her swollen and sensitive breast. His fingers made subtle movements around her nipple careful never to touch the peak of her enjoyment. His other hand moved down looking for her pleasure center. "Chakotay, don't, I can't hold on. I need you inside of me..." He placed a finger to her lips. "Let me do this for you." His fingers entered her and began their rhythmic motions as his other hand played with her erect nipples. "Oh god...Chakotay..." He claimed her mouth with his stifling her cries of ecstasy. When her breathing returned to normal, she looked at him. "I love you Chakotay, and so does she, no matter what happens." "She? What makes you so sure it's a girl?" "I'm her mother, I just know these things." Chakotay grinned. "We'll see Kathryn my love. Let's see if your maternal instincts are as keen as your Captain's instincts." He knew deep down they would be, but he had to make life interesting somehow. At this moment, he didn't think there was one thing he would change, or that he would do differently to make his life better. Well maybe if the child she carried was his, but...some day that would come true too, he was sure. Chakotay played a music selection from Tom's 20th century music file. A reminder of the man who had so touched their lives and love in so many ways. It was also fitting, and he knew she would get the meaning. *Never forget I love you my angel, forever.* I was lost till you were found But I never knew how far down I was falling Before I reached the bottom I was cold and you were fire And I never knew how the pyre Could be burning On the edge of the ice field And now the chilly California wind Is blowing down our bodies again And we're sinking deeper and deeper in the chilly California sand Oh I know you belong inside my aching heart And can't you see my faded Levis bursting apart And don't you hear me crying "Oh babe, don't go" And don't you hear me screaming "How was I to know" I'm in the middle of nowhere Near the end of the line But there's a border to somewhere waiting And there's a tankful of time Oh give me just another moment to see the light of the day And take me to another land where I don't have to stay And I'm gonna need somebody to make me feel like you do And I will receive somebody with open eyes Open up the sky and let the plant that I love shine through For crying out loud You know I love you For crying out loud You know I love you For crying out loud You know I love you For taking in the rain when I'm feeling so dry For giving me the answers when I'm asking you why My oh my For that I thank you For taking in the sun when I'm feeling so cold For giving me a child when my body is old Don't you know For that I need you For coming to my room when you know I'm alone For finding me a highway and for driving me home You got to know That I serve you For pulling me away when I'm starting to fall For revving me up when I'm starting to stall And all in all For that I want you For taking and for giving and for playing the game For praying for the future in the days that remain Oh Lord For that I hold you Ah, but most of all For crying out loud For that I love you When you're crying out loud You know I love you *~*~*~*~* Kathryn returned to duty the next day. She got daily reports from the doctor and exactly three days later, Tom Paris took his last breaths for the final time. He would not be resurrected this time, and her life could finally take on an air of normalcy. On the day he died though, she cried. Despite everything he had put her and her fiancé through, she cried for the man she had tried to save and the man who had in the end, been a victim of circumstances beyond his control. She was sad that this child would never know his biological father, but she knew, in the end it was for the best. Chakotay saw her through it all, and in the end, her life was better for it, and she was a stronger person. He should never have lived after that day, and when she made the death certificate, she noted the first date of death. All records of this were erased from the Computer's memory, and it was time for her to have a chat with the doctor and Seven of Nine. Now nearly six months pregnant, she knew she had to avoid stress as much as possible, but at the same time as she sat here in her ready room...she knew this had to be dealt with. "Janeway to the doctor. Could you please meet me in my ready room. It is somewhat urgent that we have a chat." Minutes later the doctor appeared in her ready room. He knew what this was about, he had been waiting. He had overstepped his bounds, and now he was going to be punished. But how does one punish a hologram? "Doctor." "Captain, you really should be in bed resting. After..." "Doctor, you are the one who cleared me for duty. Please, we really need to speak about this fetish of yours to fix the world's problems. Do you remember when you wanted to erase your subroutines, you were afraid they had done more harm than good. Do you remember me standing by you? Doctor, you really need to realize that there is a command structure on this ship, you need to follow orders. You can't go around playing God." "Captain, I thought what I was doing was...for the best. I thought I was helping you..." "Doctor, there is a command structure and there are rules for a reason. You need to bring this to me before you do anything like this again. I can't afford to erase your program, to re-arrange your sub-routines, I need you. And I need to know I can count on you to keep things by the book." She sighed, "Do you understand what I am saying?" The doctor listened and thought about it. "I believe I understand Captain. And you can count on me from now on." He hesitated before making his last statement. "I truly am sorry if I hurt you Captain." The Captain refused to look into the eyes of the hologram that had become a part of her crew. When had she stopped thinking of him as a hologram? It didn't matter anymore, he was their doctor, and that's all there was to it. "Dismissed doctor." Kathryn stood up and stretched her aching muscles. The extra weight in the front was beginning to take its toll. She was tired what seemed like all the time. "Janeway to Chakotay, could you please meet me in my ready room as soon as it's convenient?" "Aye Captain." *~*~*~*~* In engineering, Chakotay finally talked to B'Elanna. They had finally resolved some of their issues, under the Captain's orders. Her exact words being, "On a ship this small I can't afford to have my first officer and chief engineer at odds with each other." And since Kathryn Janeway was Kathryn Janeway they had at least tolerated each other, because despite it all, they knew she had been through the most with this fiasco. *~*~*~*~* Chakotay walked into the ready room. "Yes Captain, you asked to see me?" Kathryn walked over to the couch and sat down. She patted the spot next to her. "Chakotay, now that all the crises are over...I need to make sure you're okay with this." She had tears brimming her eyes. "I mean are you really okay with this? Will you grow to resent me and this child as the years go on? If I can never have another child, one you father, will you hate me forever?" Chakotay looked at this strong woman in front of him, wondering where this had come from. "Kathryn, I didn't agree to marry you because you were pregnant, or because I thought I owed you something, I did it because I loved you. And if I had not completely accepted this child in my heart, I would not have taken that last step. I love you for who you are, not for what you've done, or the mistakes you've made. I love you, for you." The tears flowed freely now. Whether it was emotions brought on by the hormones, or the love emanating from this man she didn't know, but she knew, in his presence she felt safer than she had ever felt before in her life. "Promise me you'll never leave me Chakotay." He took her into a bear hug, enveloping her and the child she carried in a blanket of warmth. "I can't promise you that. You know that, no more than you can promise it to me. On this ship we face death every day, but I do love you, and love crosses all boundaries." She smiled and kissed him. Not a kiss full of sexual tension but a kiss filled with promise for the future. "I love you Chakotay, more than you will ever know." "I know Kathryn, trust me I know." *~*~*~*~* Three months later "That's it Kathryn you can do it. Just a little longer." Chakotay was beginning to get frightened. This had been going on for what felt like forever. She had been at it for over eighteen hours trying to free the child from her body. She never cried out, but appeared frightened out of her mind. Kathryn Janeway frightened - she would love this baby - but this had been going on for too long, and she was tired and scared. The doctor stepped up and approached her. "Captain, I know you're fatigued but you are almost finished. One more push and it should all be over." Kathryn mouthed the words to Chakotay. *I love you Chakotay.* She gave one last push and delivered their daughter into the world. "My angel has found her wings. I love you Kathryn." Kathryn looked around. "Doctor, why isn't my baby crying? What's wrong with her?" The doctor took the child over and scanned her. It wasn't possible was it? "Captain, did you and the commander have sexual relations while you were undergoing the hormone treatment?" "Doctor?" The doctor brought the child over to the Captain, and handed her to her mother. Kathryn looked down at the child. The rosebud lips, the dark auburn hair. She just stared at her daughter. The child opened her eyes revealing dark blue eyes, which would no doubt turn a deep obsidian as she aged. "Doctor, Tom had blue eyes, how can..." "Captain, I never thought to check the child's parentage. I assumed the implanted embryo had held, but it appears that it did not, and this child *IS* the Commander's in every way." Chakotay approached the bed where Kathryn sat with her child...no their child. "Kathryn. She's mine too?" Kathryn nodded tears streaming down her cheeks. "Oh Chakotay, I couldn't have asked for anything more in this world. I love you." Neither noticed as the doctor placed the bassinet close to Kathryn's bed and discretely deactivated himself. Life would be all right. Whoever looked over these two intrepid travelers cared for them beyond belief. And today it had been proven, their souls were bound forever and they were destined to be together, as a family. A pair of lost souls forever found, and forever loved. *~*~*~*~* If I could save time in a bottle The first thing that I'd like to do Is to save every day 'til eternity passes away Just to spend them with you If I could make days last forever If words could make wishes come true I'd save every day like a treasure and then again I would spend them with you But there never seems to be enough time To do the things you want to do once you find them I looked around and often know that you're the one I want to go Through time with you If I had a box just for wishes And dreams that had never come true The box would be empty except for the memory Of how they were answered by you *~*~*~*~* There are several songs and poems there, that deserve recognition...and here they are. Iris by: The Googoo dolls The Man in the Mirror by: Unknown The Hardest Thing by: 98' Torn by: Natalie Imbruglia Runaway by: Cher Angel by: Sarah McLachlan Lost Together by: Blue Rodeo Time in a Bottle by: Jim Croce For Crying Out Loud by: Meatloaf THE END