Part I: Shades of Gray

Rating: M
Pairing: J/C
Summary: Equinox was hell for everyone but especially for Kathryn.
Length: 6369 words
Date: December 1999
Disclaimer: I don't own them, just borrowing them for a while.

 

Why am I lonely
You're sitting right here
Why am I talking
It's like I'm talking to the air
What am I looking for
That just isn't there
Why am I angry
How'd it get so bad
And why am I missing
What we never really had
Why don't you love me
The way I love you
Why don't you feel things
As deep as I do
We've got a fundamental difference
In matters of emotion
But I need to feel you need me
Like a river needs an ocean
Baby why don't you love me
Who am I kidding
It wasn't meant to be
But you wanted a believer
And I needed to believe
For every wall you built around you
I learned a brand new way to climb
And if I could've been your angel
I would've found a way to fly
Why don't you love me
The way I love you
Why don't you feel things
As deep as I do
We've got a fundamental difference
In matters of emotion
But I need to feel you need me
Like a river needs an ocean
Baby why don't you love me
I don't understand you
What's it take to make you cry
And if leaving you don't break you
Then baby what's it matter why
Why don't you love me
The way I love you
Why don't you feel things
As deep as I do
We've got a fundamental difference
In matters of emotion
But I need to feel you need me
Like a river needs an ocean
Baby why don't you love me

*~*~*~*~*

I set the doctor's mobile emitter down and connected him to the sickbay computers. Little did I know this would be the beginning of the end of so many things. Looking back, I try to figure out how else I could have handled the situation, but much questioning leads me to no answers, only more questions.

"I've got it right here."

"Please state the nature of... never mind." He figures out immediately we are not in good shape. Tom made some comments about what to do from a tactical standpoint, I on the other hand wanted nothing more than to hunt down that bastard - who was to a certain extent murdering my crew - and inflict pain ten-fold back upon him. As I approached Chakotay's bed Doc did some scans and I, I wanted nothing more than to voice my opinions. I was the Captain it was my right...wasn't it?

My right or not, it cost me dearly and it cost me something more precious and valuable than I ever thought possible.

And so I voiced my opinions, stated my case: priority one had to be the Equinox.

More and more questions, less and less answers, my life would turn into my own living hell. Unlike the days of heaven and paradise I had once known.

After I 'rescued' some of the Equinox crew from the planet, I made one of my biggest mistakes yet; I let myself succumb to the evil that lay within each and every one of us: My own personal vendetta, killing another. Never had I thought...

I followed him, at the expense of everything from my ship, to my crew, all to settle my personal dilemma. I settled my 'personal vendetta' as my First Officer had called it; but I sacrificed my morals and my convictions.

"At least we didn't come away empty handed." My words from that day, the day I could have sworn I was no longer human. The day I became something I'm not.

A commentary between us... banter: A game of cat and mouse. "We all make our own hell Mr. Lansing." I walked out and walked into my own constructed, free zone. My life would take yet another turn for the worse.

It was just a few days before that I had found a physical release in the arms of the Equinox Captain. To me he had been a hero when I was younger, now older and supposedly wiser I see the errors in my ways. I don't know why I did it. I don't know if I even care why, all I know is that I did it, and it hurt the person I care most for in the world. I'm sorry.

I remember the day, three months ago when I disobeyed the rules and regulations I had put forth for the crew. The day when I decided my own personal venture was more important than the health and welfare of the crew. Five long years I had been celibate; but on that day... my hormones got the best of me and the Captain was no more. For the moment, Kathryn had taken over, and finally I was able to enjoy the feelings of being human. The joys of being a human female full of needs and wants. I thought I trusted him. I thought I knew him. I thought I could judge him based on Starfleet records and holopics - Apparently it had been as long for him as it had been for me - I thought it would be okay. I thought it would be fine. I thought I would be able to live with myself.

I thought wrong, and today I have to face the consequences of my actions. Today I have to decide. Today I have to live or die. I hear the buzz of my door alarm through the fog of my thoughts. I know who it is. I know why I know, I know the reason I want to ignore him and never tell him of my dirty little secret. What have I done? I rethought my options...

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn finally woke from her reverie, the door was still buzzing, and her mind finally kicked into gear.

She knew she had left the man at her door for far too long. She knew if she didn't answer the door he would let himself in. She knew that she had to let him, in more ways than one. She knew...

"Come in."

She looked at him. She looked into him. She stared him down, she tried to take control of the situation, she tried to be the Captain, but all she got coming to the surface was Kathryn. It was at that moment that she broke down and started to sob uncontrollably. She wasn't sure why she did it, all she knew was that it felt good, and the release would let her face tomorrow and the next day, and possibly even the day after that. What have I done?

She continued to cry for gods knew how long. She had not had the doctor confirm it, but she knew. She knew it was true. She had that man's child growing deep within her womb. She had created a monster and she couldn't bear the thought of that demon child growing inside of her. "Chakotay..."

"Kathryn, it's alright. Whatever it is, we'll get through this." He looked at the forlorn woman in front of him. What was he going to do. How was he going to console her, he didn't even know what it was or how he could help.

Kathryn's sobs slowed and he held her tight. "I don't want it inside of my body Chakotay." She began to cry again. "Chakotay, help me."

He just held her, still unsure of what she was talking about. When she finally quieted he lifted her chin up and looked into her frightened blue eyes. "Kathryn, tell me what happened."

"I don't even know where to start."

"At the beginning is usually a good place."

That was when she looked up at him frightened and unsure. "I have to go Chakotay. I'm sorry. There's something I have to take care of." With that, Kathryn ran out of her quarters... leaving Chakotay alone and bewildered.

What the hell? "Kathryn?!" But it was too late... she was already gone.

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn just about bolted all the way to sickbay. She reached her destination. "Computer activate the EMH."

She saw him begin to materialize in front of her. "Please state..."

"Get it out."

The doctor looked bewildered if that was possible. "Captain?"

Kathryn grabbed the tricorder from the doctor and ran the scan. She confirmed her suspicions and worst nightmare. "Get rid of it."

"Captain, first let me ask you if you are sure this is what you want. Are you sure you want..."

"Doctor, I'm only going to say this to you once more. Please don't make me order you to do it. I'm pregnant and I don't want to be. End of story. Get rid of it."

The Doctor sighed, there was no way to work around the Janeway stubbornness. "I will schedule the appointment for two weeks from today, no sooner. If you still wish to terminate the child at this time, I will not stop you."

"Doctor, I'm already starting to gain baby weight, in two weeks, I won't be able to keep this a secret any longer. Isn't it..."

"Captain, I will not perform the procedure in haste, and I'm assuming you want this to be a private affair?" He saw her open her mouth to speak, but silenced her with his own words, "Then I suggest you take my advice and go home, get some sleep and possibly get used to the idea of becoming a mother."

Kathryn stormed out of sickbay. She subconsciously let her hand stray to her abdomen. Could I do it? As quickly as the thought had appeared it was abolished. I can't.

She remembered entering her quarters, looking around the darkened room, shadows hiding everywhere. She heard a rustling and turned around to find Chakotay fast asleep.

She ignored the fact that he was asleep on her couch. Her first reaction was to yell and scream and tell him to get out... but he was sleeping so peacefully, and she didn't have the heart to wake him. She slowly undressed and put on her satin nightgown. It was the one she had first worn on Voyager and it brought her comfort. She looked at herself in the mirror and felt a tear stain her perfect ivory features. I can't do this. She realized if Chakotay saw her like this he would know. Maybe this was fate, for to her, her body was rapidly changing and it was becoming very obvious what the Captain’s problem was. What am I going to do?

*~*~*~*~*

Two weeks of anticipation. Two weeks of trying to hide her predicament. Two weeks of close calls where Chakotay was concerned. She ran away from everyone who loved her, and when she let them in, she hurt them, or they hurt her. She refused to let him in too far. She refused to let him hurt her. She refused to let him convince her that this termination was a mistake. No, she wouldn't... so she went and she did it. She entered sickbay that morning at 0600 as scheduled and confronted the doctor. She needed to get this done before she let it get to her. Before she let the fact that, that morning she had felt the baby's first flutters in her abdomen affect her, let her change her mind. Before she let Chakotay find out and let her change her decision. Before she changed her mind on her own, before the idea of becoming a mother grew on her too much. I can't do this.

"Doctor." She stared at the hologram. "I'm ready."

The doctor looked at the shaken woman in front of him. "Are you sure you want to..."

"Doctor, I *need* to do this, and I need you to do this for me now."

"But Captain..."

"Doctor I waited my two weeks, now if you don't do this, I will ask Mr. Paris to do this and I will deactivate you. You made me a promise two weeks ago if I waited the allotted time you would do this. You wouldn't stop any other woman on this ship..."

He knew he could not convince her otherwise so he relented. "Alright Captain, but I want you to remember, this is a very traumatizing and thoroughly life-altering decision..."

"Doctor."

The Captain had a warning in her voice he did not want to challenge. He handed her a gown. "Put this on. Meet me in the surgical bay in five minutes. We should be done within a half an hour. I want you off duty until late the day after tomorrow..."

"Doctor, I will report to duty this morning as scheduled. I will not be ordered around on my ship..."

"Captain, I am not making a request. I will relieve you of duty if you do not obey my suggestions."

"Doctor..." She was trying to menace him. She was trying to pull rank. She knew this was not going to work.

"Captain I will perform this procedure, at which point you are relieved of duty for two days. Understood."

Kathryn thought about what he was saying. Maybe a couple of days off would be good for her. Since she didn't have any choice in this, she may as well enjoy it. "Alright doctor, but if it's going to be that way, I'm off voluntarily for one day."

"Two or I will relieve you."

"Fine, two days, voluntary vacation."

"Done." The doctor knew he had triumphed, he only wished he had been able to convince her not to go through with this procedure, but he couldn't stop her. At least he had convinced her to take a couple of days off. "Captain, I am serious. Your hormones will be out off kilter for a few days. I just want to make you aware of this." He pressed the hypospray to her neck.

She was lying on her back on the surgical bed, dressed in her surgical gown. "I understand doctor." She felt the medication start to take effect. Her last thought was of a life slowly returning to normal.

*~*~*~*~*

Chakotay looked at the duty roster in front of him. He knew he made the schedule, and he knew he hadn't scheduled Kathryn for two days off in a row, and especially not today. The warp core was up for an overhaul and Kathryn, his Kathryn, always liked to be here for these types of tasks. What the hell is going on here? Time to find out. He made his way to her ready room, or the haven for whoever was acting Captain. He sat on her couch, and looked for some reason why she was away.

He recalled back to the weeks gone by, she had been acting strangely. Sometimes late for duty shifts, looking a little worse for wear. Time to find out. He hated snooping in her stuff, but he needed to know. He looked around, looked at padds lying around, and there weren't many. The ready room was immaculate, as always. I need to know. I need to know if something is going on with her.

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn awoke three hours later. Apparently the doctor had sedated her after the procedure. She found her voice and asked the question she needed to ask, and yet in many ways dreaded. "It's done doctor? It's gone?"

The doctor somberly nodded.

Kathryn tried to get up and noticed how sore she was. "Doctor?"

The Doctor sighed. "Captain, you've just had major surgery." He paused, waiting for a response, but when none came he continued. "I just removed from your body a fourteen week old fetus." She tried to say something but he stopped her. "You will be sore for a couple of days, hence the suggestion, and finally forcing of time off."

"Doctor, I know what you did to me. I am aware of what you removed and I'm fine with it. I don't need any reassurance or time off, or..."

"Captain this in non-negotiable. You will need this time off, not only for your brain to absorb what you have just done, but also for your body to atone for the loss. You will feel it Captain. If you need more time off after the two days, take it. You may feel like crying and not know why, or feel the last vestiges of the morning sickness you suffered from. This is perfectly normal when a child has been removed from a mother's womb prematurely."

"Doctor..."

"I'm not going to argue with you. You are free to go. If you have any problems, contact me. Otherwise, enjoy your two days off." He looked at her one last time. "Computer, deactivate the EMH."

Kathryn was left alone in the sickbay with her thoughts. Thoughts she didn't want to think, about subjects she didn't want to contemplate. She changed into the uniform she had discarded earlier that day and preceded to her quarters for some much needed rest.

*~*~*~*~*

"Chakotay to Captain Janeway." No response. He heard just crackling on the other end. She can't still be asleep it’s only 10. He gave up for the moment. I'll find out when my shift is over. For Chakotay, this was the longest eight hours of his life.

He got off shift and proceeded to head to his quarters. Once there, he changed out of his uniform and into his civilian clothes, his concern for her was not a Starfleet issue, it was far from it. "Computer, location of Captain Janeway?"

The computer responded in its metallic and lifeless voice. "The Captain is in her quarters."

Chakotay made the decision to try to contact her one last time before taking more drastic measures. "Chakotay to Kathryn." Let's see if that gets her attention. Still no response. Okay, fine Kathryn, you want to be that way, two can play at this game. He proceeded to her quarters to see what demons had stolen his best friend this time.

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn sat in the corner of her quarters. She hadn't even bothered to sit on a chair, a couch, her bed... to turn on the lights for fear of seeing herself through the darkness of her fears and her life. She felt the tears slide down her face. The doctor had warned her, he had warned her that she might feel the aftereffects of the child who had left her life so suddenly by her own choice. What was her deal? She always thought she wanted children; this is what she had told herself, Q... Chakotay... she had told them that one day when the time was right. But the time had not been right and she had found herself in a situation she did not want to be in. So she had ended it, this was the way she wanted things. When she did have a child, she wanted it to be by her own choice.

The doctor had wanted to give her something for the pain she felt, the cramping which came from the shedding of her womb, she had denied. She wanted to feel the pain of dismissal and denial. The pain, which came from the loss of a child. The leftovers of a child she had killed by her own hand. Did I make the right decisions? Second guessing herself, Kathryn Janeway was second guessing herself, the great Queen had fallen, and she wasn't sure if she could get back up. Why had she done it?

She had heard Chakotay over the comm. line several times. She knew that if she didn't answer him, he would come looking for her. Maybe that was what she wanted. Maybe she did need to talk to someone about this. She had made a life-altering decision, and now she wasn't sure if it had been the right one. She had made a semi-brash decision... on a spur of the moment... maybe the Doctor had given her those two weeks for a reason. Or maybe it was just the extra hormones running through her body. She receded further into the corner of her room and curled into a tight ball... crying away the pain and the suffering. I'm sorry baby, please forgive me.

Through the tears and the anxiety she heard the buzz of the door. She ignored it, as she ignored her longings and her love. What have I done?

*~*~*~*~*

Chakotay proceeded to Kathryn's quarters. He knew if he knocked she wouldn't answer. He used his override codes and opened the door to her quarters. Chakotay looked around, trying to avoid invading her privacy. He looked around the darkened room, looking for her. He heard a muffled sound from the corner of the adjoining room. "Kathryn?" He called out waiting for a response, when none came he ordered for lights, none came at his request. He slowly walked the room looking for Kathryn, nothing.

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn had heard his askance of her. Then she listened for his footsteps. She tried to slow her breathing and succeeded in doing so. She felt the world slow down. He can't know what's going on. He can't know what I did. He will lose all respect for me, my own best friend. She slowed her breathing to almost a standstill. Not sure how she did it, she just attempted to stay hidden for as long as possible. She wiped the tears from her face and waited for her imminent discovery.

*~*~*~*~*

Chakotay walked around slowly. He heard the breathing sounds slow until they stopped. *Why is she doing this?* He walked around in search of his Kathryn. He knew she was in the room. He could hear her subtle breathing and sense her presence. He could smell the fear in the air. *What has happened?*

Kathryn heard him almost on top of her. She heard his voice; she felt the fear wash over her. She was going to be found out; everyone is going to know how horrible a person she was. Everyone was going to loose all their respect for her. She wouldn't survive this, she couldn't...

"Kathryn. I know you're at my feet. I know there's something wrong." He waited for her response. He waited for any response. He slowly crouched down and saw her back to him. In the shadows of the starry night sky he saw the shadows under her eyes. In her eyes, he saw the demons that would consume her if he did not do something soon. Chakotay turned her to face him. He saw the trails where the tears had been; he saw the trails where she had attempted to wipe the tears from her eyes, and the mascara that had run down her cheeks.

"Kathryn, what happened? I'm still your best friend, and right now it looks like you could use a friend." She turned around to face him, giving in to his closeness for a minute at which point her 'Captain's face' went back up, forcing protection of her innermost feelings and darkest secrets.

"Commander. I decided it was in my own best interests to take a couple of days off. I have not had a day off in five years. I will be back on the bridge day after tomorrow, at which point, I will discuss any and all things that need to be discussed. Thank you for your visit, now if you would kindly leave, I would appreciate it."

Chakotay heaved a sigh, knowing full well he could not argue with the Captain. "Fine Kathryn. When you're ready to talk like an adult, call me." He walked out of her room, knowing full well that she wouldn't speak with him until she was at her breaking point. *Why do you do this to yourself Kathryn?* He headed for the bridge. There were reports, which needed to be handled, and choices, which needed to be made, and right now the ship needed him as the adult.

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn heard the swoosh, the telltale sign that he was gone from her quarters and resumed the crying she had momentarily managed to stop. She heard the voices in her head. The voices of the dead, the voices that represented the sacrifices she had made over the years. She couldn’t stop the voices anymore. *You know he's right Kathryn.*

The tears resumed...and the darkness overcame the light.

*~*~*~*~*

Chakotay reached the bridge. Alpha shift was over in a few minutes and he would see his senior staff walk out and the Beta shift take over. He would be on the bridge but he did not want to interfere with their activities. He needed a secondary command structure in case something awful happened at some point. He saw the time slip away and realized that he would walk out of Janeway's ready room and into a structure foreign to him. A command structures made of junior officers and unknown soldiers. He looked at the youthful faces that had grown so much since their arrival in the Delta Quadrant. These were the officers which got killed in fights and which no one actually knew. These were the unknown soldiers...these were the children of war. How had they ended up like this?

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn woke up nearly six hours later. It was, for all intents and purposes the middle of the night. Here in space, she didn't notice the passage of time as she would if she were on Earth and watching the sun set. Teaching classes. Watching her children, and waiting for her husband to come home from work. *Where did that come from?*

She walked to the portal and looked out at the stars before her. The stars had once been a comfort, proof that something was being accomplished, that her career goals were being seen to. Today, as she remembered what she had done, as she recalled the life she had destroyed all that seemed so distant. Like a dream, or a life lived and now forgotten.

She knew why she was so emotional, she had made a mistake. She had made her decision for all the right reasons, had they been in the Alpha Quadrant. Had life been a normal Starfleet life. Today she realized what her error had been, it had been nearly six years, and now they were no longer a Starfleet crew. They were a family, and they would have accepted this child as they had accepted all others. This was her future too and she had thrown it away. The tears began again.

When she thought about it, reason number two came to mind. The second reason she was so displeased by her choice. The outcome may have been correct but the life partner she had chosen had been all wrong. He had been correct on so many levels for so many years. This is where her anger came from. Her anger came from the fact that she had passed up the perfect opportunity so many times, and now she was afraid she had forever lost that chance.

That the decision was no longer a plausible one, or one that he would even want.

*~*~*~*~*

Chakotay finished the reports and proceeded home. It had been two days since he had last seen Kathryn. It seemed she had taken an extra day off, but people were starting to wonder where she was, and all remembered the days she had cordoned herself away in her quarters for two months, contemplating her decisions over the years. This time, he was not going to let it go that far. This time he was going to stop it, right here, right now. He proceeded to her quarters and rang the door chime. When there was no answer, he queried to the computer. "Computer, location of Kathryn Janeway."

"Captain Janeway is in holodeck two." *Holodeck two eh? I wonder what she's doing there?* He proceeded to Holodeck two to talk to his love, his one and only. If only she would realize it, and let him in. Let him help her. *Why?*

Chakotay reached the holodeck and asked the computer for access, for entry into her realm. The computer in it's metallic and wholly un-human voice refused entry. Chakotay, now at his wits end and ready for more drastic measures inputted his security codes to no avail. Final tries, not necessarily rational Chakotay called out to her. One last try to retrieve the woman he had fallen in love with on that far away planet four years prior. "Chakotay to Kathryn. Please respond, we all miss you."

He waited...

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn sat in her holodeck program. She had spent the past two days trying to perfect it. The sights, the sounds, the smells, everything so that it was as realistic and as comfortable as possible. Kathryn Janeway was trying to recreate the situation. Recreate everything, maybe she could recapture, rekindle the love she had once felt. When she thought about it, she realized she needn't rekindle her love, but his. And sitting here in her own little world, what had once been their little world; she felt the tears stinging her eyes, and the memories flooding her consciousness. In a corner of her mind beyond the realm of reality, but not quite in her imagination she heard Chakotay's voice. She heard her name, but she was sure it was just her imaginings and not the truth. *Chakotay to Kathryn. Come on, let me in. Please.*

She asked for an arch. She had to get out of here before she was unable to leave. Before she could no longer exist outside the confines of her holodeck fantasy. The door opened, the technology of the 24th century flooding the woods of her dreams. She began to leave and ran into an object just in front. She looked up, and saw the man of her hallucinations. She saw the reason for her despair; she saw the answer to her questions and problems. "Chakotay." She breathed his name, afraid that if she spoke to loud, she would awake and the dream would disappear.

The image moved. He put his hands up to her, and traced the outlines of her perfect features. "Kathryn."

Kathryn looked harder and harder into the image. "Is it really you?"

Chakotay watched the woman in front of him. She looked so unsure of what was going on. She appeared delusional, what had happened to her? It was time to take matters into his own hands. He opened his arms and she slowly walked into his embrace, feeling the warmth, and touching him, slowly discovering him as if checking if he was real. He was real, and he was upset, he was upset because she was upset. *Time to get to the bottom of this.* Chakotay called to the computer. "Computer. Site to site transport for two to Captain Janeway's quarters." He felt the familiar tingle and he only hoped she would forgive him so they could work things out.

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn felt the tingle of the transporter. *Chakotay is a dead man.* She felt he was in some ways violating her rights and her very being, but at the same point, is this not what she had wanted for the longest time? She felt herself rematerialize in her quarters, and his protecting arms envelop her.

Kathryn Janeway fell into a deep and much needed sleep.

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn looked around the blue area that she now occupied. *Where the hell am I?* She stared at the walls the ceilings, she couldn't tell up from down and left from right. She was scared. She remembered...

Kathryn searched...the last thing she remembered was being with Chakotay. *He's a dead man.* He had transported her to her quarters with him in tow. Then...she had fallen asleep. Kathryn Janeway did not fall asleep when she didn't want to. That's what this was...this was a dream. She looked to the corner of the room, if you could say there was a corner. She saw a baby...a tiny baby boy...she let out a cry. A pained cry for the child whose life she had ended prematurely. "Why? Why are you doing this to me?"

*~*~*~*~*

Chakotay heard the cries and the ramblings of a tortured woman as Kathryn slept. *What has happened to her?* He heard more cries, "Why? Why are you doing this to me?" He heard the heart wrenching sobs of a soul in pain. "Please forgive me, it was short-sighted of me. I never meant for..."

She stopped and her facial expressions contorted into a grimace. "No, please no." She quieted and he saw her fall into a deeper sleep. She almost looked peaceful, if it were not for the deep worry lines, which etched her serene face. *What has life done to you my Kathryn?*

Chakotay walked over to where she lay. He pulled her into his arms and watched as an expression of contentment replaced the pain she was obviously feeling deep in her very being.

He waited...

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn felt the quiet and the freedom of comfort. She knew she was safe, but why? How? She looked around and the shades of blue, which surrounded her, became lighter, finally turning to an almost blinding white. Her brain always working, she looked around and remembered the symbolism of white. White representing goodness and this made her feel safe, this made the areas surrounding her a safe haven.

*Thank You...whoever or whatever you are...*

*~*~*~*~*

Chakotay watched as the first stirrings of life from Kathryn in almost nine hours made themselves known. He had watched her as she had suffered through nightmares and had watched as she attempted to rid herself of her feelings of loss and hopelessness. He had listened as she had recited words and sentences which made no sense to him, but which had or was still causing her extreme amounts of pain and anxiety. He recalled the days off she had taken not even a week ago, and he thought about why? He needed to know, to help her, to help her help herself.

She began to rouse from her much needed and apparently much appreciated sleep. *Please don't hate me Kathryn. No matter what I will always love you.*

"Kathryn."

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn felt the stirrings of consciousness coming her way. She had had dreams the night before, dreams and nightmares that had all but described her life and her troubles, her trials and tribulations. Kathryn had still not figured out why exactly it was that she had done what she had done, why she had terminated instead of dealing with her problems head on. In the end she knew she had done it all out of fear.

The invincible Kathryn Janeway had succumbed to fear.

She heard his voice. The voice she knew in her sleep, in her waking moments and anywhere else. It was the voice of the man she loved, but would not admit her love to. She was sorry every day she refused him, every day she let him slip through her fingers. She regretted every pass he made and she turned down. She died every time he had a fling, something he was more than entitled to; she had no claim to his heart.

To be perfectly honest, she had transgressed in her own right. She had had a fling here and there. She had been celibate, despite everything until her ordeal with Ransom. She had had a sort of affair with Kashyk, but she had chosen to not go that extra mile, she had refused to give herself to him physically. In the end it didn't matter, emotionally she had succumbed to his charms and it had been as large a mistake as she had ever made, until Captain Ransom. That was her latest mistake and one that she would regret for the rest of her life. She had acted without thinking on two counts, and on top of that she had violated one of her most sacred oaths...to seek out life, and to not destroy it.

She had sought it out in her physical weakness, and she had destroyed an innocent life. It had not been the child's fault, but she had failed him and herself. She had killed her son, and all for what? Why? Was she really so ignorant that she thought her crew would lose all respect for her and ignore her because she was pregnant. The more she thought about it, the more she realized, they knew, sometimes even more so than she did that they were a long way from home, and no one was perfect, including herself.

"Kathryn?" His voice, what did he want? She looked up and realized she was cradled in his arms. "Kathryn? Are you okay?"

Kathryn opened her mouth to respond but nothing but a sob escaped. She felt Chakotay's arms tighten around her. "Chakotay, I'm so sorry."

*~*~*~*~*

Chakotay looked at the forlorn woman. He heard her words..."Chakotay, I'm so sorry."

He took her hand. "Whatever for Kathryn?"

She stared at him. She had to tell him, she had to get a lot of things off her chest. She had to divulge information to someone. "Chakotay, I love you so much. I've made so many mistakes in my life. In the last couple of months I've..." She had to stop. She couldn't go through with it. She couldn’t go any further.

He spoke, breaking the silence that encompassed them both. "I love you too Kathryn. I have since New Earth, I have told you this on so many occasions. I waited for you; I made your burdens lighter, just as I said I would on so many occasions. Kathryn..."

"No Chakotay, I've made terrible mistakes...I don't know how you can love me like you do. You won't after today."

"Kathryn, I can never not love you. It's something that I do...it's something that I have to do. It's something I will always do. Kathryn, I love you forever."

*~*~*~*~*

END SHADES OF GRAY...TO BE CONTINUED IN 'TEARS IN HEAVEN.'