The Nature of the Beast

BY: AW 
Pairing: J/C
Rating: K+
Summary: The Nature of the Best that is Kathryn Janeway, and is their life in the Delta Quadrant.
Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom own the series and the characters that are related to Star Trek: Voyager, but the story is mine.
Length: 2,075
Date: September 1998

 

He had always been sure when they had finally gotten together that it was he that would have to push her. That he would almost need to beg her to get what he so required in life. After being married for four months though he realized that for her it was essential. He saw the need and the longing every time he looked into her eyes. He realized that her soul was incomplete, that she needed this more than he could ever imagine. He had been surprised and though her words denied her hunger, her eyes told him otherwise and he knew. He knew what he had to do, he knew what she needed.
 
He had broached the subject one night after duty. He had told her it was what he needed; in doing this he had taken the responsibility and the admittance off of her. This was the push she needed and they began down the road to a destination neither knew, but both understood was a necessity.
 
"Kathryn, I think we should have a baby."
 
He saw the look in her eyes was not surprise as he had expected but was rather relief.
 
"I think so too Chakotay. I think I need to start living my life again, and I think that this is a step in the right direction."
 
They made love that night. It was not for them though; it was for the children they needed for completion.
 
They tried for nearly eighteen months without any luck. He knew Kathryn blamed herself for their inability to conceive. She shouldered a burden, which should have been taken by both. Just as he believed they could not change the nature of the Borg, he knew this was no different. He could not change Kathryn's mind, could not convince her that it was not her fault, or her problem to face alone. He was unable to change the nature of the beast, and Kathryn held her grief and sorrow in for months, until finally he couldn't take it anymore. He could not now, or ever stand to see her suffer.
 
"Kathryn, you have to stop this. It isn't your fault you haven't been able to get pregnant."
 
She looked up through eyes of blue glistening with unshed tears. "It's at least half my fault, and more than likely it's all my fault. I pushed you away, I didn't even give you the love or the companionship you needed and deserved and now I can't give you the children we both want so badly."
 
She turned around and walked into the bedroom they shared. He did not see her again that evening, or for a very long time outside of duty shifts.
 
Their marriage suffered and nearly fell apart. They were still married, but as far as he was concerned it was in name only. The strain of trying and constantly failing had taken its toll. Kathryn seemed to age before his eyes.
 
One day Chakotay went in for his yearly physical. The doctor checked him out from head to toe.
 
"Commander? Am I to understand that you and the Captain are trying to start a family?"
 
"That's right doctor...why?"
 
The doctor lowered his head. Some of the mannerisms he had acquired over the years almost made him human. Who would have thought that Chakotay would ever think of a hologram, a trick of sound and light as a person?
 
"I'm afraid that it is going to be nearly impossible for you two to conceive. There is a problem with you Commander. Your sperm count is extremely low and..."
 
He tuned out the doctor. It was his fault. It had nothing to do with Kathryn, yet she was the one that suffered indescribably because of it. *Oh Kathryn, I love you so much. Why do you have to be so stubborn and pig-headed?*
 
"Commander?"
 
The doctor looked and realized that he had not heard a word he had said.
 
"Commander?!"
 
Chakotay shook his head, clearing the cobwebs and the images that invaded his senses.
 
"Yes Doctor."
 
"Have you been listening to anything I just said?"
 
"Yes doctor, and thank you. You may just have saved my marriage."
 
He left the doctor's office and the healing process began for him and for her... or so he hoped. He spent the next three months working on a program to save his marriage and to save the love of his life. The doctor had given him an idea. When he had seen the progress towards humanity the doctor had made over the years he had gotten an idea. *With the safeties off, a holographic bullet can kill a person, so does that mean a holographic sperm can make a woman pregnant?* The program he created was of New Earth; the place where it had all begun.
 
He decided on that day that the only way to make her happy was to give her what she wanted, no matter what the cost to him. She needed this child to survive and he needed her, so in a way he needed this child too.
 
He hailed her, he needed her to come. He needed her to give him this last chance. "Chakotay to Janeway."
 
"Janeway here; What is it Commander?"
 
"Kathryn could you meet me in Holodeck two after your shift is over?"
 
"Chakotay I'm really busy, I don't..."
 
"Kathryn do this for me. Give Kathryn and Chakotay one last chance, please?"
 
Kathryn knew she loved him. She knew she could never deny him, and she knew this was the case now too. "Alright Chakotay... one more chance. Janeway out."
 
*That means I have three hours to finish everything: To get ready to fix my life.*
 
He reserved the Holodeck for the time he needed. He made sure his hologram reacted as he would. He programmed the genetic codes. For all rights and purposes, this would be his child. *All I can do now is sit and wait.*
 
She arrived right after the shift. He watched her walk in. He watched her enjoy an evening with his image. He watched them in the throes of passion. It was the hardest thing he had ever done, but knowing what he was doing for her, made it also the easiest thing he had ever done. He hated missing out on their child's creation, but he did not regret fulfilling her dreams. It was in his nature to put her needs above his, always and forever.
 
He watched as Kathryn and his holographic image fell asleep tired from their romp. He stepped in, he took over and in doing so he hoped he had reclaimed his life.
 
Nearly 10 weeks later Kathryn walked into their quarters. She announced her impending motherhood to him. The smile on her face, the twinkle in her eyes and the love she portrayed convinced him he had done the right thing.
 
Over the next 26 weeks he watched her body undergo a transformation. He watched as she grew with the child she carried. He prayed everything would be all right. Four days later, she gave birth to a healthy baby girl, Courtney Amanda Janeway. Their marriage was sound and their dreams fulfilled.

*~*~*~*~*
 
46 years later...
 
It was nearing the end, Kathryn knew it. He had been sick for quite some time now, and she knew the inevitable was going to happen. Death was going to rip him away from her. They had lived a good life; they had had everything they had ever asked for. He was asking to see her now, more than likely the last time she would ever see him. The last time they would see one another until they met again in another world. She entered the room where he lay on his deathbed.
 
"Kathryn."
 
"Yes love. What do you need?"
 
She saw the unshed tears in his eyes. She was there whatever he needed.
 
"Kathryn, I need to tell you something before it's too late."
 
"What is it Chakotay?"
 
"Kathryn, do you remember the night you conceived Courtney?"
 
"Yes, of course I do. It was the night our marriage was mended and the night all our dreams became realities. Why?"
 
"Kathryn, I'm sorry..."
 
"Whatever for?"
 
"That night in the Holodeck; I made a sacrifice for you, for us, for the child that might never have been."
 
"What are you..."
 
"Kathryn I need you to listen. Don't talk, just listen."
 
She nodded.
 
That night he recounted the nights of planning. The hours of grieving, and also the years of joy he had received as a result of this sacrifice.
 
"Know this Kathryn. I don't regret a moment of our life. I don't regret doing this for you, and I don't regret my decisions.
 
Kathryn didn't know what to say. In many ways he had changed the way she looked upon her life. She could not change what had happened in the past, and she wasn't sure she would have, even if she had known and had been able to alter the outcome. She just needed to know one thing. "Chakotay, why?"
 
"Because Kathryn I knew you needed this. I knew I could never convince you it wasn't your fault. That parable I had heard as a child, the one I told you the day we disagreed on the Borg situation...do you remember it?"
 
Kathryn nodded. She remembered it well. His story had haunted her dreams, taunting her, forcing her to second-guess her decision. She started the story; she remembered every word and recited it exactly as he had that day all those years ago.
 
"It was a story you heard as a child; A story, which you never forgot."
 
Chakotay smiled. After the Borg incident, even after all these years they had never spoken of this time. They had come out on top, but he often wondered if he had been right? Had it not been for Kes, would they have survived or would they have been taken by the Borg? No matter, he listened as she told his tale.
 
"A scorpion was walking along the bank of a river, wondering how to get to the other side. Suddenly he saw a fox. He asked the fox to take him on his back across the river. The fox said, 'No. If I do that you'll sting me and I'll drown.' The scorpion assured him, 'If I did that we'd both drown.' So the fox thought about it and finally agreed. So the scorpion climbed up on his back and the fox began to swim. But halfway across the river the scorpion stung him. As the poison filled his veins the fox turned to the scorpion and said, 'Why did you do that? Now you'll drown too.' 'I couldn't help it said the scorpion, it's my nature.'
 
By this point Kathryn was crying tears she had denied herself on that day, tears of sorrow and in many ways tears of regret. She remembered the story because it had hit so close to home. She knew he had not been referring to her, but in many ways he may as well have been. She often refused to submit to the suggestions of others, even if they were better or more viable, and she knew that this time she had been wrong. That she should have listened. They had of course won, no thanks to her, but this moment burdened her subconscious still. She gave a silent thanks to Kes.
 
He stared at her..."Kathryn I lied, I do have one regret."
 
She watched him carefully, he was hesitating...what did he need to tell her? Was there more to this wondrous tale of heartache and pain, and in the end joy?
 
"I regret keeping this from you all these years. In a way, I feel I have lied to you for a long time."
 
She thought about it, she understood his reasoning. She knew why, all she had to do was look inside herself. She was so stubborn, and she never gave up. *And he couldn't change the nature of the beast.*
 
She heard his breathing become ragged, and she knew the end was near. She knew they would be together again, someday.
 
As he felt the darkness encompass him, he heard a phrase, which set his spirit free.
 
"Chakotay, I forgive you."
 
THE END