Loving From Afar

Pairing: J/C
Rating: MA
Summary: Episode Addion to 'Night'. WARNING CONTAINS SCENES OF RAPE
Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom own the series and the characters that are related to Star Trek: Voyager, but the story is mine.
Length: 3,610 words
Date: December 1998

The Void; God Chakotay wasn't sure how much more any of the crew could take of this. He was getting irritable, grumpy. He had caught himself just yesterday yelling at an ensign in engineering for making a mistake that was so unimportant, so small. A miniscule mistake which shouldn't really have mattered, but it had to him. He had a senior staff meeting right about now. He hadn't seen the Captain in three weeks now and he was starting to get concerned. This was her ship, her crew, her livelihood, and yet she never showed herself anymore. It was just a matter of time before people started wondering where she was. What was going on... just a matter of time.

*~*~*~*~*

"Won't be much of a briefing. There's nothing new to report."

"Humor me." Chakotay was getting really tired of B'Elanna's attitude. He wasn't sure if it was the darkness and the emptiness of the void, or whether it was her insolent attitude; something about her was making the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

"Let's see. Warp core's running at peak efficiency, just like last week and the week before that. And my engineering crew is going stir crazy."

"Thanks. Ensign?" He stared at Harry, "Nada."

"Can you be more specific?"

"All systems are operating within normal parameters."

Chakotay turned to Tuvok. He really did not have the energy today to deal with that Vulcan's arrogant self-righteous attitude.

"I have detected a sudden increase in Theta radiation in the vicinity."

"Source?"

"Unknown."

"Could be worth a look."

Tom nearly jumped out of his seat. Chakotay knew what was coming. One of Tom's smart-ass comments.

"Finally, some excitement... radiation!"

He couldn't really fault the young lieutenant lately. At least his comments kept the staff meeting alive. *And the senior staff from falling asleep.* Chakotay smiled, a glint of the old, familiarity the staff meetings used to carry showing through.

"Next piece of business. Crew morale."

"Deteriorating...obviously."

"I have some suggestions that might boast people's spirits."

"Please." *I hope these suggestions have nothing to do with Leola root.*

"Rotate crew assignments. Add a little variety to the daily routine. I myself wouldn't mind squeezing in a little tactical training."

"Noted." Score one for Neelix. Tuvok's stoic Vulcan manner sometimes made Chakotay laugh.

"And the holodecks have been in high demand. I was thinking we could install a few emitters in Cargo Bay two. Turn it into a third holodeck."

"Here here."

"See to it Harry."

Oh god. He could tell Neelix had something else to say. Some days he just wished that Talaxian hedgehog would keep his mouth shut. *Better listen to him. He does have SOME good ideas.*

"One other item sir. A matter of concern among some of the crew. It's the captain. She's been a little elusive lately."

"What's your point?"

"People take comfort in talking to her. When they see she's happy. They're happy."

"Rumor has it she never leaves her quarters."

*Okay I have to stop this now. We can't afford rumors like this spreading about her.*

"Captain's privilege. She'll come to the bridge if and when she's needed."

"Spare us the protocol Chakotay. It's pretty odd you gotta admit."

"It's her choice. She can run this ship from wherever the hell she wants. Understood?!"

"Yeah... sure."

He had just crossed the line. He has snapped at the senior staff. He needed to find a way to rectify the situation.

"We're all feeling the pressure. Including me."

"Listen, maybe we've got the wrong attitude. Let's think of this as a two year vacation."

*Gotta give the kid credit. He tries so hard. But some of the stuff he comes up with. Two year vacation... that was almost funny.*

"Dismissed."

"Great idea Harry."

"Wow Harry you're a real genius. How do you come up with these great ideas?"
"You're such an optimistic guy Tom."

After the senior staff left he sat down. His head fell to his hands. He had to fix this. He had to find a way to get the crew through the void. He had to find a way to save the Captain from herself. He knew that guilt penetrated her very being, and he knew he had to fix thing before they destroyed her.

*~*~*~*~*

"It's probably nothing, just background Theta radiation, but it could mean there's someone nearby."

"Distance?"

"Approximately twenty-five light years."

"It's a long shot but alter course."

"Yes ma'am."

"If that's all Commander." He stood there frozen. He knew that had been his cue to leave but he wasn't going anywhere, not until he had some answers. Until he was satisfied with the response... until he was good and ready.

"Actually, I'd like to make a request. I've been saving up my holodeck rations and I've got three full hours coming. Any chance I might persuade you to join me for a few rounds of Velocity? It'll help clear your mind."

"My mind is perfectly clear."

Warning bells went off in Chakotay's mind. The answer was too quick. It all sounded too perfect, and with Kathryn Janeway when something sounded too "right", there was normally something terribly wrong.

"Then what if I told you I'm not leaving until you join me?"

"Then I'd say have a seat. It'll be a while."

She was being stubborn again. He needed to get through to her. But how? How was he going to get the Captain to obey him? He needed her back in command, so did her crew. He needed her back as his best friend too. Everyone needed someone, and he needed her.

"Then I'll be blunt. You've picked a bad time to isolate yourself from the crew. This ship needs a Captain, especially now."

"Would you be satisfied with 'I'm just catching up on some reading'? I'm not sure I understand it myself. It started when we entered this... what does the crew call it?"

"The Void."

"Charming. Oh what I wouldn't give for a few Borg cubes right about now. Anything for a little distraction. Strange as it sounds, I almost long for the days when we were under constant attack. No time to stop and think about how we got stranded in the Delta Quadrant. How did we end up here?"

Chakotay didn't want to answer this question. He had to find a way to make it sound like it wasn't her fault. This wasn't about fault though. It was about her stubbornness, her blaming herself for everything. Every death that occurred on her ship. Every deviation from the quickest course. Every time anything had to be rationed. Every couple she had to ask not to have children for lack of resources. The burden of these choices was taking its toll on her. And when they took their toll on her, everyone suffered... including him.

"Chakotay. Answer me."

"We were faced with a difficult choice. We had the means to get home, but using it would have meant putting an innocent people at risk. So we decided to stay."

Kathryn was approaching him. She was one of the smartest people he knew. And he knew that she knew what he was trying to do. He knew she wouldn't buy it. He knew it would take more than this to make her see punishing herself wasn't the answer.

"No... no. I decided to stay. I made that choice for everyone."

Reason with her. It's the only way. "We're alive and well. And we've gathered enough data about this quadrant to keep Starfleet scientists busy for decades. Our mission's been a success."

"The very same words I've been telling myself for the past four years. But then we hit this 'Void', and I started to realize how empty those words sounded..."

"Kathryn..."

"I made an error in judgement Chakotay. It was short-sighted and it was selfish and now all of us are paying for my mistake. So if you don't mind Commander I'll pass on that little game, and I'll leave shipboard moral in you capable hands. If the crew asks for me... tell them the Captain sends her regards."

She turned to face the wall again. He wouldn't let her do this to herself. He needed her and so did the crew.

"What about me Kathryn? Who's going to look after my morale? In a situation like this we have to be able to depend on each other for support. At the moment you're not much good to anyone on the ship, including yourself or me. You need to snap out of this, or next time you fall I won't be there to catch you."

"You're out of line Commander..."

"I'm not talking to you as the Captain right now. This is not the Captain and the Commander having a discussion about the ship. This is Kathryn and Chakotay talking, and as much as you'd like people not to believe it... you're as human as anyone."

"Commander..."

"Cut the crap Kathryn. I'm not going to let you hide behind your position anymore. I won't watch as you wither away, as the Kathryn I know, the woman I've seen disappears behind the pips on your collar... I won't let you do that."

"It's not your decision."

"I love you damnit, and that makes it my decision. I'm going to bring you back into the world... kicking and screaming if I have to... but I will."

With that he left her cabin. It was up to her now. He hoped he had done enough... for both of their sakes.

*~*~*~*~*

Later that day, Kathryn moved up to her ready room and read reports. It was a start, a small step, but it was something. She would recover, he knew she would. He watched as the Kathryn he knew and loved peeked through. He knew it would take her time to deal with everything, but it would happen, and when the dam broke, and everything threatened to fall apart he would be there to catch her. Because that's what friends were for... and because when you love someone, you will do anything to make sure they are okay.

*~*~*~*~*

Over the next three years, (it had actually taken longer than expected), they braved the nothingness of the void. She made many friends, and she recovered... or so people thought. She put on a good show, but inside she was dying. She wondered if she had ruined things between her and Chakotay. She wondered if she had done the right thing. She doubted herself as she always did. She needed to get off this ship. She needed time to think.

*~*~*~*~*

Captain's log Stardate 53474.8. We found the end of the Void yesterday. Today we saw stars for the first time in three years. I never realized how comforting they were. We have scanned space for three sectors. Nothing, so far. No hostile life. It seems the next few weeks, maybe months will be quiet still. We have however found an m-class planet 5 light years from our current location. I am going to land Voyager and order the entire crew off the ship. They need a break. These last three years have been stressful and I think shore leave is what everyone needs. End log.

*Alright, time to inform the crew.*

Kathryn walked out of her ready room and assumed her place on the bridge at Chakotay's side. *I am always at that man's side and he at mine.* Although lately he has been backing off. Taking a step back. Kathryn knew he has been re-evaluating his feelings. He was waiting for her to take the first step, and she had yet to act. This was causing her some concern. She might lose him. Until she had been in the position where he might back off, where he might give up, she had not been concerned... it had not mattered. But now...it did.

Lately doubts about her position and her feeling towards her first officer had been taking shape. She knew as she had known for a while that she had feelings for him. It was the exact nature of those feelings that was bothering her. She knew he was in love with her, or he said he had been on New Earth. She really needed to know though if these feeling were genuine and if they were, if they continued to plague him, or there by necessity and loneliness. She recalled their conversation three years ago *After Mark dropped you like a piece of lead.* They had been discussing home. Discussing what would happen next. The discussion had gotten quite heated, emotionally charged, he had led her on, and she had admitted things she didn't care to remember. She recalled her words, "So what'll it be Chakotay? Indulge my feelings? Hold fast to protocol? What?" And his response. The response that had formed a lump in her throat. The response that had made her heart stop beating, if only for a moment... and then it had passed. The moment was gone and the Captain and Commander were left. The unsuspecting by-product of an intimate conversation to which there had been no resolution. As always the solution never came and both were left hanging by a thread, not knowing where the future would take them. This conversation had happened before the void, before the argument in her ready room, before his admission of love, before it really mattered. Even though he had told her so on New Earth, this had been the first time he had told her in those words. No ancient Indian legends, just raw emotions coursing through his body.

The Captain walked out onto the bridge with the intent to make the announcement. The announcement that would give them a break, give them a chance to live, if only for a while without the worries of the ship.

"Computer Blue mode. Tom; get ready to land the ship."

"Aye Captain."

The ship landed without a hitch. She would never get over how smooth Tom Paris' landings were. She didn't think she had ever worked with such a talented and well-trained pilot. "Nice work lieutenant."

"Janeway to the crew. This is the Captain. We have landed for shore leave; it's been too long since we last set foot planet side. You have a month. Have fun everyone. Dismissed."

"Captain?" It was Chakotay, he wanted answers. He wanted answers she was not ready to give him.

"Yes Commander?"

"Never mind. It wasn't important." He left the bridge: walked off the bridge, and probably out of her life. He would always be the commander, but she needed more, and she hoped she had not ruined it for them.

The bridge emptied quickly. She watched as Tom and B'Elanna walked out arm in arm. It would just be a matter of time before she started seeing weddings aboard her ship, before the lives of her crew really started and babies would be brought into the world. When she was younger she had always dreamed of having everything; of being a career driven woman who also managed time for a family. She also knew this had been a dream. A pipe dream, which would never be realized. Not until she had met Chakotay and finally realized the depth of her emotions for him. Then she had started dreaming again. Started seeing children in her dreams. Her children, and his, and all of a sudden she realized that until her dreams were fulfilled she would never really be whole. She had thought she was alone on the bridge and allowed a lonely tear to escape her controlled façade.

Unbeknownst to her, a stranger, a man who had watched her from afar for many years, saw the tears. A man who had loved her from a distance, but who had also not allowed himself to express the depth of his emotions. A man who, in the end respected and unconditionally loved Kathryn Janeway.

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn made one last systems check, one last check that no one was left aboard Voyager. Even the doctor had beamed planet side to take shore leave. Everything looked okay. She left Voyager, her home for the past seven years, and stepped into life.

*~*~*~*~*

Over the next two weeks on the planet many of the crew has built temporary dwellings. Seven had spent her time trying to perfect the slipstream technology, as well as embarking on her first real relationship with one young ensign. Even her Borg has managed to find someone to love, but not Kathryn Janeway. *You have someone, you just have to let him in.* She vowed she would. She promised herself she would; she had to for her own sanity. Tonight she would embark on this trip of a lifetime, but for now she had decided to go for a run in the woods. The exercise was good for her, and it was something she had not gotten enough of aboard Voyager. There was always too much to do.

She trampled through the woods and almost felt human again. It reminded her of her youth, sunning through wheat fields in Indiana; sometimes life just wasn't fair. She missed home terribly, but she also wasn't the same person she had been all those years ago, when she had left earth. She wasn't sure if she would be able to adapt to a whole new crew, or the Starfleet command structure. She had come to greatly depend on B'Elanna's engineering skills, and Chakotay's council and friendship. She heard rustling in the bushes behind her. *Maybe there are monkey's here too.* She laughed at the absurdity of that thought. She spun around to see Tuvok. "Well hello, old friend. How are you enjoying shore leave?" She got no answer. She took a good look at him, there was something feral, animal in his eyes; it frightened her. "Tuvok?" She still got no answer from her chief of security. "Commander?!"

Tuvok pounced, the look in his eyes sent shivers down her spine, but she also saw an apology. An apology for what he was about to do. An apology for the friendship that might not survive and for the fear he might cause his oldest and dearest friend.

She knew what was going on. She watched as the emotions of the Pon Farr overtook him. She was no match for him physically, and could not even force herself to cry for help; she was so paralyzed with fear and disbelief. Physically she felt him penetrate her. Emotionally she felt nothing. She ran through the past two weeks in her mind. Hindsight being 20/20, she saw the signs, the signs she has chosen to ignore. When it was finally over, a realization dawned on her. She would not lose her chief of security, but she feared she has lost her friend. For Kathryn friendship was built on trust and she wasn't sure she could ever trust him again. She knew he needed solace. She uttered the words which would set him free, but which would condemn her. "I forgive you." Things would never be the same for the two of them again.

Kathryn tried to block out the memories, although they continued to plague her every thought. The images plagued her sleep, she saw it during her waking moments, but she felt as if she were a third party watching the events unfold.

Chakotay worried about Kathryn. He had been making progress, she had been responding after years of trying to win her affections, but now she backed off. She was running out of time, his patience was wearing thin.

Kathryn knew she had made a promise to herself, and this was one promise she intended on keeping, she wanted to, but she wasn't sure she had the strength to follow it through. He had raped her, a hostile act, and an act that had left a shell of the woman who had once inhabited her body. Kathryn Janeway had been hurt one too many times, and now she feared, Kathryn was lost forever in the sea of despair and gloom.

*~*~*~*~*

It had been nearly a week since Chakotay had seen her. He worried for her. He was concerned for their relationship. He watched her, but something was missing. She had lost the light in her eyes. She had lost the hope. He looked and no longer saw the hope or the ambition of the Kathryn Janeway he once knew. Part of her was missing; part of her had died. She was but a shell of the woman he had known. Times had changed and so had they both. Something had changed for him too. He couldn't quite pinpoint what it was. Then it hit him. It hit him like a ton of bricks. He was no longer in love with Kathryn Janeway. He would always love her, she was after all his best friend, but it was not the burning passion he had once felt, now it was more a sisterly love, comparable to the love he had always felt for B'Elanna. It hurt. It hurt like hell; he had lost something beautiful and precious to him, but at the same time his soul had been freed. He was now free to pursue things he was not able to before, he was free to find the love he needed, the love she was never able to give him, the passion he required to live, but which she no longer possessed.

Yes it hurt like hell, but life would continue and so would they both.

THE END