Regrets

by: AW 
Pairing:  J/C
Rating: K+

Summary: Kathryn's many regrets over the years.
Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom own the series and the characters that are related  to Star Trek: Voyager, but the story is mine.
Length: 896
Date: May 1998

Twenty years, my God has it really been that  long? She looked in the mirror and saw an old woman. No longer the confident  Captain who strode onto the bridge of The Voyager all those years ago, but a  woman who had thrown her life away in the pursuit of a dream which would never  become a reality. 

     The one thing she had learned though was that  regret was a by-product of all the choices she had made and the opportunities  she had passed up. She had watched her crew grow old and die, but the circle of  life continued and others came into the world to take their places. She had  watched her crew build lives on Voyager and attain goals, which she had never  attained. Her goals had been unrealistic, and in the pursuit of these goals she  had lost sight of other chances, and lost sight of herself. 

     Chakotay had been more than willing to take  the chance. She had been aware of his feelings for her, and had used them  against him. She had begun the day they met and continued until the day he  died. He had told her he would not be her token Maquis officer. After his  affair with Riley, Kathryn had made him feel guilty for betraying her even  though she knew she had no legitimate claim to his heart; then the incident  with the Borg and species 8472. She had used Chakotay, betrayed him as he had  always been used and betrayed. In the end, it had cost her a chance at  happiness, and had cost him his belief in the goodness of the human spirit. 
     
     She had taken every token of appreciation,  every compliment, and every minute of his time for granted, and in the end she  had lost. Lost herself, lost their chance and lost him. He had always been  there for her in body, in mind, in spirit and in heart. 

     Then one day everything had changed. B'Elanna  told her; the ship could go no further that it was over. Kathryn said keep  going. On that day she had lost a lot of peoples' respect. They couldn't stop.  Her goal had not been accomplished. Her crew was not home. 

     Then it happened. It happened so fast. The  engines malfunctioned. B'Elanna had been right. Lucky for her, age had not  dulled Tom's piloting skills. Voyager crash-landed on an M-class planet.  Problem was, in the crash she had lost more than her ship and more than her  command. She had lost her life.

     Chakotay was gone. He had not died on impact  as had many of her crew, but rather he had died defending her from herself. She  remembered vividly the day it happened. Voyager's lights had dimmed, the  emergency klaxons sounded. All she could do was stare. Her ship was crippled  and many of her crew dead. Of the senior officers Tom, B'Elanna and Chakotay  had been the only ones to survive the crash. In the dull illumination of the  room she saw Chakotay; the look of sadness in his eyes had almost been too much  to bear. The worst part was (and only later would she realize it) that the look  in her Commander's eyes had not really been one of sorrow but one of pity. The  next several minutes for Kathryn went in slow motion. She recalled hearing a  low whine, it was slowly getting louder but she couldn't for the life of her  remember what it symbolized. Trying to control the situation as she always did,  she slowly moved her hand up and pulled the stray strands of hair back into  place. The status of her crew was pitiful. Had she listened to B'Elanna three  months ago, the casualties would have no doubt been much less. Still hearing  the whining in her ears confusion and comprehension began to take form in  Kathryn's mind. Then she heard a cry "Kathryn move out of the way!"  It was too late; he lunged at her, and saved her as he had so many times during  their stretch on Voyager. She heard the sounds of bones cracking, as she  watched her one true love being crushed beneath the roof paneling. As she  turned to see if anything could be done for this poor soul, she locked eyes  with him. His dying words; were a sound that would haunt her until the day she  died: The words that during their time together had been too dangerous to say,  and forbidden. With his dying breath he whispered, "I love you". And  even though it had happened in the span of a few seconds, she would continue  reliving that moment for the rest of her life. 

     On that day she finally knew the price she had  paid for her ambitions. She also knew, the day he died, so had her last chance  at love and happiness. And on that day, she finally knew the true meaning of  regret, and the price she had paid for a life she had never really lived. 

     THE END