1. Cold As Ice

Rating: T
Pairing: J/C, J/M
Summary: What lengths will Janeway go to...
Disclaimer: The premise of Voyager, I don't own, but the story is mine.
Date: October 2001
Length: 1045 words

I remember it as if it were only yesterday. The day was bright and warm, and we were having the most decent discussion, the most open discussion we'd had in days, in fact since we'd been stranded there on the planet we had to make home, the planet we'd named 'New Earth'. We were the 'Adam' and the 'Eve' of the new world; I had to make her see. I had to make her realize that this was home, that this was our new life. And then came the storms, and then came the night afterwards, and then came my revelations.

I remember...

"We have to talk about this."

"Alright"

"I think we need to define some parameters. About us."

"I'm not sure I can, define parameters. But I can tell you a story, an ancient legend among my people. It's about an angry warrior who lived his life in conflict with the rest of his tribe. A man who couldn't find peace, even with the help of his spirit guide. For years he struggled with his discontent, but the only satisfaction that he ever got came when he was in battle. This made him a hero among his tribe, but the warrior still longed for peace within himself. One day he and his war party were captured by a neighboring tribe led by a woman warrior. She called on him to join her because her tribe was too small and weak to defend itself from all its enemies. The woman warrior was brave and beautiful and very wise. The angry warrior swore to himself that he would stay by her side, doing whatever he could to make her burden lighter. From that point on her needs would come first, and in that way, the warrior began to know the true meaning of peace."

"Is that really an ancient legend?"

"No, but that made it easier to say."

Now I look back on it, and think, if only I'd pushed her just a little more. Then I think, would that have made the difference?

The discussion afterwards; I loved her. I decided to admit that to her; she decided to ignore it. If only I'd had just a few more minutes, if only I'd had just a few more days.

If only she'd let herself listen, let herself accept our fates.

If only Voyager hadn't come back.

Then I think of it this way, and I know that no matter what she is, that does not include me. I loved her and I let her go. I let myself believe this for five years, it's been five years since the day I let my revelation take form and let her know.

And today, she pays the price. For today is the day I take Annika Hansen as my wife.

Still, I think back to it, and I wonder. What if, and am I just settling for second best?

Then I remember, Kathryn Janeway is ice. Cold as ice. I know now why she succeeded in Starfleet. You need to be heartless; you need to be able to see beyond the moment, beyond yourself.

Though I realize these things, I also know that Kathryn took it a step too far. I watched her harden over the years, I watched her let her emotions dissolve. And when I saw 'Admiral Janeway' on that day three weeks ago, before we came home, I knew...Kathryn would always be just that: Starfleet. She was no longer Kathryn, she was merely a rank, a shell of who she had once been.

If only...

You're as cold as ice
You're willing to sacrifice our love
You never take advice
Someday you'll pay the price

Despite the fact that I don't wish you to pay the price. Today, when you will perform our wedding ceremony and realize that you passed up on the life and the love we could have had, you'll know. You'll know that I did love you, and now here I am, wedding your 'protégée', the closest thing to you that I will ever have.

But maybe second best will have to be enough...'

I know
I've seen it before
It happens all the time
Closing the door
You leave the world behind
You're digging for gold
Yet throwing away
A fortune in feelings

A fortune in feelings indeed; every time I watched you tuck away your feelings. From the moment I first exposed you to your animal guide...you felt the attraction as much as I did. I know you did. And yet you shied away from it. Like it wasn't right because I was your first officer and you were my 'Captain'. Did it really matter? We were to be there for the rest of our lives.

I was trying to make our lives more...

But someday you'll pay the price I know

You're as cold as ice
You're willing to sacrifice our love
You want Paradise
Someday you'll pay the price
I know

I've seen it before
It happens all the time
Closing the door
You leave the world behind

You're digging for gold
Yet throwing away
A fortune in feelings
But someday you'll pay

Cold as Ice you know
that you are

I loved you, in many ways I still do. I wonder to this day, if you were to profess your love and finally let it all go, would I leave my second love. Would I drop it all and run into your arms?

I know the answer to that, I would and it scares me more than life itself. How could I do that to my soon to be blushing bride? How could I give up a life with a woman that could make me happy for a pipe dream that may never come true?

Then I remember, in life there is very likely only ever one true love, and I found her and let her go...or rather she let me go.

END PART I
TBC in Part II: The Rose and the Thorn

~~~

The song is 'Cold As Ice' by Foreigner